The longest, most committed relationship I’ve ever been in was my co-dependency with the word “should”. “Should” and I used to do everything together. She was always on my mind, helping me with every little decision I made throughout the day–from what I wore to what I ate, whether or not I should smile or say hello to the people I saw, whether I should study or watch Netflix, what time I should go to bed…
Or rather, she would “help” me.
It took me 27 years to realize that “Should” was really just Anxiety masquerading as my friend.
There’s a “Should” out there for everyone, although some of them are better than others. There are the “Shoulds” that keep people from exposing themselves in public, harming others, or letting selfishness and greed get the best of them. Those are usually necessary–they help enhance our lives and the lives of those around us. Those “Shoulds” are keepers. I’m not talking about those “Shoulds”.
My “Should” and I had a different kind of relationship. She was there when I woke up. She was there when I went to bed. Sometimes she was even in my dreams, re-hashing every “stupid” thing I’d said or done in the past. She was never NOT there. A day that included doing literally nothing but lounging around all day would be physically and mentally exhausting because she was there to play devil’s advocate for every thought that popped into my head.
You feel crappy, you should stay in bed.
You shouldn’t stay in bed, that’s lazy and irresponsible! Get your butt up!
You should braid your hair.
You haven’t washed your hair in a week! If you braid your hair again, everyone will think you didn’t shower.
You should have bacon for breakfast.
Bacon again?! Don’t you know that pork is bad for you?
Welcome to the first hour of every day. I’m exhausted just writing that.
But ignorance is bliss, as they say. So until I was aware of what was happening, this was just the way it was, and it didn’t occur to me that my life could be any different–because I didn’t know any different. In hindsight, I can see that it was a toxic relationship. The more influential I allowed “Should” to be in my life–fueling it by giving it my time and energy–the more I unconsciously needed “Should” in my life. If “Should” were to leave me one day, who would tell me what do? How would I know the smartest choice, the best answer, the optimal option? Who would decide who I was supposed to be?
(Watch out–”Should” and “Supposed To” are, like, super close buddies.)
Who would decide, though?
Me.
Actually me. Not Me+Anxiety. Just me. But who am I without “Should”? We had been together for so long, I’d never had the opportunity to find out before. It’s scary not knowing who you are underneath all of that noise of questioning every little thing.
But believe me, YOU are in there somewhere.
That’s the journey I’m on now. Cultivating me. It’s fun to decide for yourself. Terrifying too, but mostly fun. It was extremely difficult to break up with “Should”, and it continues to be difficult. There are still days I find myself missing “Should” and many nights I break down and call “Should”, even though I know differently now.
I’m not here to tell you how to manage your own relationships with the words in your head. You’re all adults. I can only share my own experience. It was important and necessary for me to end the toxic relationship I was in with “Should”. However, it’s also important to highlight that for me, not all the ties have been cut. While I’m no longer co-dependent on “Should”, she is still in my life (even though I’d prefer she wasn’t), and I continue to find ways to deal with that.
The most important difference is now I am aware of her influence and can choose to modulate how much I let her in. This takes work–hard work–but slowly and surely I am realizing I am in control. I control the thoughts that come in and then I let them go. Those thoughts aren’t me and they don’t define me.
If you find yourself consulting “Should” for every little thing throughout the day and night, I invite you to take a step back and assess what you’re really getting out of that relationship. Sometimes it may seem easier to stay in a bad relationship than confront and overcome the fear and work it takes to set out on your own and cultivate who you are. This ease is only short term. Only you can decide what’s best for you. I only hope that it’s YOU deciding, and not You+”Should”.
