day 37: real talk

I'm trying this new thing where I acknowledge my perceived inadequacies, but without any immediate pressure to fix them. Yes, of course, I'd like to make progress--and I am working to do so--but I constantly have to remind myself that it won't happen overnight, and I need to stop beating myself up when it doesn't.

It's amazing the relief provided simply by verbal confession, even without any kind of proposition, or solution. Just breaking the silence, forming the words outside of the cockles of my mind does wonders.

I am anxious.
I have insecurities.
I am afraid of failure.

I'm ashamed.
I'm shy.
I want to be liked.

As much as I hate to admit it (because it's not "cool"), indeed, yes--I care what people think of me. Or just that they think of me.

I wish I didn't. But that's not what this is about. This is about acknowledging my true self (rather than the self I project to the world), but without the burden of trying to correct it right now.

I have body image issues.
I have doubts about my goals.
I have doubts. Period.

I thrive on appreciation, but am too self-conscious to properly receive a compliment.
I seek out approval (read: validation), but mostly via social media so I can remain somewhat inconspicuous and anonymous (how very Millennial of me).
I long to be special, to be held in higher regard, but find ways to avoid the work or the spotlight required to occupy such a status.

I could go on...but I won't.

There is a part of me that isn't any of these things. A part of my true self has already figured out how to overcome this ineptness, this mediocrity. The part of me that is aware enough to acknowledge them.

She comes out now and then (I call her Lola, my alter ego).

When I started weightlifting, she came out a lot more, because my body confidence is closely tied to a lot of these other things. Some of that applies now too because feeling and looking healthier (thanks to the Whole30) boosts my confidence as well.

I've said it before and I'll reiterate it here: I am a work in progress.

Some of these things are unfortunate consequences of the human, mortal condition. That's not an excuse to be crippled by them, however.

The path I am on right now is one of awareness, acknowledgment, and conscious change. It's a sliding scale and I will spend the rest of my life striving to be the best version of myself.

A work in progress, yes. But also a masterpiece in the making.