day 44 & 45: this is it

It still hasn't completely sunk in that I'm done with school for the summer. This year has been a difficult one for me--in more ways than just academically--and for a long time, I've been in a kind of purgatory just waiting to get to this point.

The last twelve months have been filled with a lot of transition: making the move to Ithaca, starting vet school, etc. etc. etc. I am heading straight into more transition now: moving to a new place (with my mountain man and our polar bear), trying my hand at research for the summer, then, of course, starting my second year of vet school in the fall.

How I approach coping with the stress of transitions like these has changed a lot over the past few months. Even though I've always considered myself a healthy person, one of the biggest realizations I've had as a result of this journey back from my back spasm episode (what I've deemed the "instigating event") has been that health wasn't really a priority--at least not like I thought.

I understand things about myself now, how I could feel, how I should feel, that I'm not sure I ever would have learned if I had not tried the Whole30.

This is a big statement.

But I say it with confidence.

I still have a lot of learn as I complete the reintroduction process, but through it all I will only continue to harness the ability to take control of my health in a positive way.

Going forward I will be able to say this is how I know I can be my best. That will not contribute to me being my best, therefore--for me--it's not necessary to include that in my life at this time. Being able to say NO THANK YOU to something you previously touted as irresistible is extremely freeing.

And it's not a reluctant "No thank you" because I'm depriving myself. It's a a very resolute and content "No thank you" because I genuinely understand what my body needs and doesn't need.

I can't express enough how liberating this is. "Food freedom" is kind of the mantra of the Whole30, and I totally get it now. It's difficult to explain until you experience it yourself (and it will be different for everyone) but for me it's not missing the things I used to feel guilty eating. It's not feeling guilty eating anything. Everything I eat and do for my body is so satisfying, I honestly don't think I'm missing out on anything.

And the best part is, when something does show up on my plate that is--by all definitions of the word--an indulgence, I can partake guilt-free whether it's one bite or fifty because I will be doing so from a position of awareness.

The last thing I've ever wanted to do throughout this whole journey is sound preachy or self-righteous. So I will pump the brakes as I sum up and de-brief the last forty-five days.

Obviously I hope everyone can find food freedom and change their life permanently for the better. But like other addictions and unhealthy habits, change has to come from within.

For me, that change came about after the last straw literally broke the camel's back (I'm the camel). I'm not sure what that last straw was exactly, but the message was clear that I needed to do things differently.

Just like a lot of different stresses culminated to manifest in a physical breakdown, a lot of different approaches have worked together to help me cope with those stresses. It's not just changing my food, it's taking action according to all of those factors I've mention before (and you can read about them here).

In a way, because I opened myself up to try changing my food habits, I've indirectly improved other, non-food related, aspects of my life as well. This is where the life-changing really comes in. It's not just about the foods I've eaten or will eat in the future, but the approach to why and how I choose to eat and conduct my life in general.

This is, in fact, the first day of the rest of my life. And it is good.

day 34: new normal

This morning I was running a little late (because Mondays, obviously). Okay, so running a little late is pretty standard for me, but today it was a little more. All in all, I was probably ten minutes late to my first lecture at 8:00am.

I skipped going to the office to pick up lecture notes for the week and didn't take my usual quick pee break before class so I could slip into the back of the lecture hall without being too conspicuously tardy.

Lo and behold, I walked in and everyone was socializing, the projector was blank and there was no lecturer at the front of the class. Immediately, I breathed sigh of relief. Realizing the clinician who was supposed to come wasn't there yet, I felt comfortable taking time to pick up notes and use the bathroom in a leisurely fashion.

Returning to the lecture hall filled with increasingly anxious students, the course leader made an announcement basically saying, "We don't know where he is. He's one of our best lecturers. We'll try to post the slides for you, but you won't get any notes. Sorry about that."

Given the situation, there were two predominant reactions that surfaced. Either you were bitter for waking up and coming to class for nothing and regretting the extra hour of sleep you could've gotten, or you were grateful for the extra time to jumpstart your day--especially since it was gorgeous outside and you could now soak up the sun for an hour.

I was the second person. I actually did a kind of double take at my own attitude because bitter and cynical used to be my wheelhouse. But here I was, relieved that I wasn't late after all, and happy that I didn't waste (and as it turns out--couldn't have wasted) time this weekend when it was heaven outside preparing for a lecture that didn't actually happen.

This default positive attitude is a relatively new sensation for me. Being aware of my pessimistic ways and actively trying to find the silver lining in life is usually my course of action. But today--today I automatically focused on the good stuff and didn't focus on what I could've been better.

It still blows my mind that this phenomenon could be (and likely is!) directly related to the food I eat. Virtually nothing else in my life has changed, the potential for irritability is still there. But since I started eating differently, my general mood has been better (regardless of whatever other stresses are always present and unchanged).

This is weird and awesome. I can explain it and yet I can't. I choose to believe that my good food choices are paying off in big ways. Mainly--simply being a happier person. Now that I can observe my peers and how negative they can be about a lot of things, it only sheds more light on the fact that I used to be like that (I'm sorry to those around me--I see now that it's extremely difficult and draining to be around a chronically negative person).

Being a genuinely jovial person without really having to think about it is ridiculous. Ridiculously awesome. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm talking down to those aforementioned "negative people". I say the things I do because that used to be me. And now I can't help but share because I'm constantly being pleasantly surprised by the unintended benefits of the Whole30 program.

I'm now the kind of person that two-months-ago me would've probably rolled her eyes at (but really that was only because deep down she was jealous and wished she could be light-heatedly happy in the face of obstacles). So I'm going to try to keep it going, because it's working for me right now.

Please don't roll your eyes at me.

day 30: keep on keeping on

Has it really been thirty days already?

I don't know about you, but for me this month has flown by. It's hard to believe that in two weeks I'll be finished with this school year (yikes, I have a lot of studying to do between now and then!), and in a month I'll be moving to a brand new apartment and starting my summer job, and shortly after that, my boyfriend and polar bear pup will be moving in as well.

Things are happening.

I am so relieved that I decided to extend my Whole30 experiment a couple more weeks. If I were going to begin reintroductions tomorrow, I would be a mess (I'm enough of a mess all on my own, I don't need undesirable reactions to dairy and legumes to make it worse right now).

But considering that Day 30 is THE FINISH LINE of this whole ordeal for most people, I thought I would take a moment to check in and assess what progress I've made in the last thirty days and what I hope to accomplish by continuing the program.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I must proclaim the good (in no particular order):

1. I'm sleeping more soundly, and waking rested.
2. I no longer feel the need to snack between meals.
3. Virtually no PMS, mood swings, or cramps associated with my menstrual cycle.
4. I feel less bloated in general.
5. Less of my hair falls out daily when I brush it and when I wash it weekly.
6. I'm coping with and managing stress and anxiety in healthier ways.
7. No emotional/binge eating! And no cravings!
8. I have a happier disposition, and a more optimistic outlook.
9. I'm more confident and less introverted (for the most part) and have begun to put myself "out there" more.
10. My seasonal allergies aren't as prevalent.
11. No reliance on caffeine.
12. I feel stronger and look more muscular.
13. I have mad meal preparation skills.
14. I am more in tune with what my body and mind needs, and can trust it when it tells me I need to do (or not do) something.

Some of these things may seem trivial. But a handful of them are big freaking deals to me, particularly the last one.

I despise cliches as much as the next person, but when the authors of It Starts With Food and newly released (and best-selling!) The Whole30 say this program will change your life--they're absolutely right.

To what extent my life is changed will only become more apparent as I go forth with the program and into life beyond Whole30. Taking what I've learned and applying it to all the decisions I make about food and my health will expose what my new habits have evolved into.

Because that's the crux of the "change your life" mantra: changing your habits. That--among other things--is what distinguishes the Whole30 program from other "diets"; the critical fact that after it's over, the results and benefits persist because you've changed your habits permanently, and for the better.

That's the goal anyway. Nobody is perfect. I know I'm not. And I don't plan on eating Whole30-compliant the rest of my life (my family would probably be pretty annoyed with me). But I do know that for the rest of my life, I am going to think about food differently now that I understand how it can affect me.

For now, I'm going to keep this good thing going. Because I can, and I really want to reap all the benefits. I'm selfish like that.