reintro day 2: when it's worth it

The good news is, drinking red wine last night didn't throw me off at all; no noticeable adverse reactions.

The bad news is, it didn't rock my world either.

In fact, rather than getting almost immediately tipsy happy drunk (which is what I thought would happen after abstaining from alcohol for over six weeks), I simply got really tired. Like falling asleep on the couch at 7:30pm tired. This may seem like not that big of a deal, but after forty-five days of healthy energy cycles, being tired enough to fall asleep at 7:30pm is out of the ordinary.

After one glass of wine.

So instead of being the life of the party, I was simply the star of my own snuggle party for one located under my covers in bed. Not sexy.

This isn't that bad I guess, things could be a lot worse.

I'll be happy to have wine, whiskey, and hard cider back on the table for the occasional imbibition, but I'll also be happy to pass on the empty nutrition unless I'm totally feeling it's worth it.

It will be interesting to see if I experience the same exhaustion after sipping bourbon, or if that is unique to red wine. If it is, perhaps I'll be a whiskey girl exclusively--and there ain't nothing wrong with that.

For now, I'm just as satisfied with naturally-flavored sparkling water, kombucha, or iced rooibos tea. And I sleep much better at night knowing I'm enjoying a refreshing beverage that is making me more healthy rather than slipping back into less healthy territory.

It's nice that during this reintroduction process, I'm still basically living the Whole30 life even though the Whole 30/45 is technically "over" (I wasn't totally ready to let it go--I'm a huge fan of how I feel and have been sort of dreading reintroduction of less healthy things). But I know it's a necessary part of the experiment and so far the experience has been positive.

I'm already looking toward Tuesday and thinking about hummus and peanut butter. I used to be someone who ate peanut butter on the regular--like, literally every morning. I also often made my own hummus and had it daily with carrot sticks as an afternoon snack.

Homemade hummus is the bomb and peanut goes well with everything. But the cool thing is, before I even reintroduce legumes, I'm already at peace with the idea that they potentially won't be worth it for me--especially soy.

There are so many better things I could be doing with myself and my food that fulfill the same purposes that hummus and peanut butter try to do. So I will likely eat less legumes simply as a result of my changed lifestyle (e.g. no more morning smoothie, and no snacking required), rather than as a consequence of specifically avoiding them.

Reintroduction day for legumes will be interesting as I try to orchestrate getting single servings to incorporate into my meals (I don't want to go about buying a whole jar of peanut butter or an entire package of hummus, or bottle of soy sauce, or bag of frozen edamame if I find after one helping that it's totally not worth it).

If that is the case, bring on the almonds and cashews, and let me dip vegetables into tonnato sauce, beet hummus, and liver pate.

I'm so glad that the Whole30 introduced me to all these interesting options. I rest easy knowing that no matter what happens, I will never be bored with my food, and I will also be able to make an informed and aware decision about what I want to eat. No more mindless eating--not even of delicious combinations of peanut butter and literally anything else.

I can't say I'm not glad to be eating Whole30 for another day. But I'm also glad to be checking things off the list as worth it or not.

The worst part of this all may be not being able to characterize my meals with the #Whole30 hashtag on Instagram and Twitter to include the awesome community of Whole30ers all over the world in what I'm doing. Is that weird?

From here on out it will be #Whole9 all the way because that's life. The nine factors.

Right now, the factor on the brain is Sleep. And with that, goodnight.

day 35: miss independent

"Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet."

No, I didn't see that on a bumper sticker, or in swirly frilly letters in an "inspirational" graphic on the internet. Someone actually said it to me--ironically, I hope! (Right, Joey?)

Blech, the statement is physically revolting to me. Say it, and I cringe and shudder like Whoopi Goldberg the hyena and you just said "Mufasa!" Maybe it's my generalized social anxiety. Maybe it's my overall discontent with the masses. Maybe I'm just a weird loner. Maybe I'm intimidating, stuck-up, and judgmental. At any rate, I have to say that in general, people suck, I don't really like them, and I don't see every stranger as a potential new bestie.

There are several individuals in my life that I like quite a bit, but collectively people are pretty much the worst.

It is this quality of being just the worst that drives my lack of desire to be everyone's buddy. I am someone who would much rather invest the time and energy into having only a few quality friendships, rather than spreading the friendliness around to lots of people that I've never really had a connection with (I guess you could say I'm like Ron Swanson in that way).

This tends to backfire, of course, when I rarely feel that connection to anyone (probably due to my own inability to let my guard down) and end up with, like, zero friends.

It's mostly fine with me. I can enjoy my time alone. And I don't know if anyone has admitted it out loud since possibly kindergarten, but making new friends is hard. I'm of the philosophy that you can't force it, so when thrown into a new situation with new people and new opportunities--it either clicks, or it just doesn't.

So I guess the more accurate statement would be that making new friends isn't necessarily hard, but it does take patience. (Case in point: when you do meet someone you click with, the friendship easily falls into place. So making that friend isn't difficult at all, but stumbling upon them in a world population of over seven billion is somewhat unlikely.)

That's why when I do develop one of those connections, it tends to stick--even from thousands of miles away. You probably want to ask, are these old friendships preventing me from developing new ones? It's possible. But these are my people. And given the odds, I think I'm going to hang on to them while I can.

So yeah, I may not be the most warm and fuzzy person in the world. And I sure as hell won't be easy to get to know right off the bat. But if you put in the time, it could be worth your while.

In the interim, kudos to those of you who can instantly be best friends with literally anyone. You will probably get much further in life than loners like me.

Consequently, I am in the market for an Ithaca person. So if this cynical-ass blog post didn't completely turn you off and you can appreciate the pop culture references, look me up. We could be friends, just so long as we aren't strangers first.

day 30: keep on keeping on

Has it really been thirty days already?

I don't know about you, but for me this month has flown by. It's hard to believe that in two weeks I'll be finished with this school year (yikes, I have a lot of studying to do between now and then!), and in a month I'll be moving to a brand new apartment and starting my summer job, and shortly after that, my boyfriend and polar bear pup will be moving in as well.

Things are happening.

I am so relieved that I decided to extend my Whole30 experiment a couple more weeks. If I were going to begin reintroductions tomorrow, I would be a mess (I'm enough of a mess all on my own, I don't need undesirable reactions to dairy and legumes to make it worse right now).

But considering that Day 30 is THE FINISH LINE of this whole ordeal for most people, I thought I would take a moment to check in and assess what progress I've made in the last thirty days and what I hope to accomplish by continuing the program.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I must proclaim the good (in no particular order):

1. I'm sleeping more soundly, and waking rested.
2. I no longer feel the need to snack between meals.
3. Virtually no PMS, mood swings, or cramps associated with my menstrual cycle.
4. I feel less bloated in general.
5. Less of my hair falls out daily when I brush it and when I wash it weekly.
6. I'm coping with and managing stress and anxiety in healthier ways.
7. No emotional/binge eating! And no cravings!
8. I have a happier disposition, and a more optimistic outlook.
9. I'm more confident and less introverted (for the most part) and have begun to put myself "out there" more.
10. My seasonal allergies aren't as prevalent.
11. No reliance on caffeine.
12. I feel stronger and look more muscular.
13. I have mad meal preparation skills.
14. I am more in tune with what my body and mind needs, and can trust it when it tells me I need to do (or not do) something.

Some of these things may seem trivial. But a handful of them are big freaking deals to me, particularly the last one.

I despise cliches as much as the next person, but when the authors of It Starts With Food and newly released (and best-selling!) The Whole30 say this program will change your life--they're absolutely right.

To what extent my life is changed will only become more apparent as I go forth with the program and into life beyond Whole30. Taking what I've learned and applying it to all the decisions I make about food and my health will expose what my new habits have evolved into.

Because that's the crux of the "change your life" mantra: changing your habits. That--among other things--is what distinguishes the Whole30 program from other "diets"; the critical fact that after it's over, the results and benefits persist because you've changed your habits permanently, and for the better.

That's the goal anyway. Nobody is perfect. I know I'm not. And I don't plan on eating Whole30-compliant the rest of my life (my family would probably be pretty annoyed with me). But I do know that for the rest of my life, I am going to think about food differently now that I understand how it can affect me.

For now, I'm going to keep this good thing going. Because I can, and I really want to reap all the benefits. I'm selfish like that.

day 29: don't worry, just be

Life is funny.

One minute I'm relaxing on a sunny patch of grass and the next I'm having a mini panic attack because my back feels sore for no reason like it did the first time I had a spasm two months ago.

Is it strange to think that the stress I felt in the past few days from my computer and financial woes had manifested in my back?

(By the way, my laptop charger miraculously--because there is no other explanation--started working again today. Don't ask how. Just go with it.)

Is this going to be my life now? Every twinge, every stiffness, every pop, every little sensation is going to send me down a spiral of worry? How will I ever accomplish anything?

My mind immediately begins asking a million questions: Have I hurt myself? Did I try to do too much too soon (but I'm barely doing anything!)? Have I made the problem worse? Am I not ready to be "back in the game", as they say?

...Am I overreacting?

I have my arsenal of therapeutic exercises. I have walks. I have epsom salt baths. I have my supportive pillows. I have all the tools. I know all the right things to do.

It's a good thing too because now I'm hyper-aware of everything in my body. This could be construed in two ways. On the one hand, I can "listen" to my body, understand, and act accordingly. On the other hand, I notice every little ache and pain and assume the worst.

I can't help but fear that my back is now going to be like some elderly people's knees--they know when a storm is coming because they can feel the barometric pressure change in their joints. This is what I have to look forward to, folks.

Not only will I have to be careful with what I do as far as physical activities go but also, if I have a stressful day at school or an emotional conversation with a loved one, chances are I'm going to be feeling it in my back in the days following.

I'm worried today. I'm scared that I'm going to screw something up and hurt myself more. And I'm worried that my worry about this is contributing to the problem (you see it's a vicious cycle).

/sigh

Well, I did what I could today to mitigate disaster. I'm feeling better (though I'm having trouble shaking the thought of how I don't want to sleep in a funny position and really wake up sore tomorrow).

I'd like to make some optimistic/inspiring "tomorrow will be better" statement, but I just don't have it in me right now. For all I know, it might not be better. It will just be. And there's no prior judgment of that. It just is.

day 28: silver lining

Yesterday I lucked out and stumbled upon blood oranges at the co-op in Syracuse where I stopped for provisions on my drive back from Lake Placid. This may seem insignificant but I have been hunting for blood oranges for over a month now (they are one of my favorite fruits and supremely special because they remind me of Italy). I think I have perused every grocery store in Ithaca--multiple times over--trying to find some to no avail.

So I was filled with surprise, glee, and gratitude (in that order) that this little crunchy granola place in the middle of residential neighborhood stocked them. Naturally I bought all they had (it was only four oranges). This was the perfect end to a stellar weekend away. I was over the moon.

Until last night, when the laptop charger debacle struck.

I am equal parts amazed by and ashamed of how easily my life crumbles when something as mundane and materialistic as not being able to charge my computer happens to me. I have had virtually no bad days since I started this journey almost a month ago now (save my caffeine withdrawal--but even then, my mood was good in spite of the headache and fatigue and I easily overcame it).

However, take away my access to iTunes and Netflix and suddenly I'm a blubbering mess. God forbid I occupy my time at home with a book, or a phone call to a family member. How will I ever stave off the loneliness if I can't fill the silent void with a constant stream of Pandora and old episodes of Radiolab?

The school work I can manage, I guess, even though I'd prefer NOT to study with a jackhammer literally running on the other side of the wall all the time (thanks, vet school construction). It messes with my time flexibility a lot, but then again, doesn't being flexible require that you "make it work" in situations like this?

So I'm struggling with a little pessimism right now--be it about my financial situation, my ability to achieve my goals academically, or simply being comfortable with myself alone in my apartment. But the thing that is different about this than before is that I can recognize the struggle and take responsibility for not being a sour puss.

Enter blood oranges.

I could easily give up on today, convinced that the world hates me and no matter what I do, things will go all wrong. OR--I could sit outside in the sun and eat a blood orange, realizing that yes, I've had better days, but I am capable of getting through this one.

You see, a blood orange is terrible thing to waste on feeling sorry for oneself. And I can't help thinking that I didn't go into that co-op in Syracuse by chance. Those little round packs of ombre ruby citrus heaven were waiting for me. And today, they brightened my day amidst clouds of doubt and choking back tears.

In contrast to how easily my life crumbles sometimes, I am equally as amazed that something as simple as a piece of fruit can turn it around. Or at the very least--provide the catalyst I need to decide that I can turn things around myself.

day 26: home stretch

Four more days left in my April Whole30. Three more weeks left in my first year of veterinary school.

This is it, people.

In regards to the Whole30, I'm getting excited to reintroduce some foods and finally see how my body really reacts to them. I'm not looking forward to feeling crappy as a result, but knowing for sure will be worth it. I'm also excited to continue living this new healthy life--it may not be Whole30 24/7 but it will be so much better than before.

When it comes to the school year, I'm excited to no longer spend eight hours a day sitting indoors. I'm terrified--however--by how much I've crammed in my brain in the last nine months and am not sure I'll be able to hold on to it. (I'm terrified of a lot of things when it comes to vet school, but I won't get into that now.)

Looking forward, I hold on to hope that I might convince my boyfriend to try the Whole30 himself (it'll be a hard sell--he really likes cheese). I, on the other hand, would happily continue eating Whole30 indefinitely. As of right now, on day 26, there isn't a food that comes to mind that I immediately want to partake in the instant day 31 rolls around.

My reintroduction protocol will be intentional, but most likely slow. As long as I alone am responsible for the food I consume, it will probably be compliant (it feels too good to stop now). But I can see myself enjoying a glass of wine--or perhaps popcorn at the movies--in the near future so knowing whether those sorts of things are worth it for me will have to be sussed out.

However, there is a very strong possibility that I will simply extend this whole business to a Whole45 because reintroducing foods that could potentially have negative effects that linger for a few days is not necessarily something that I want to inflict on myself during final exams.

In fact, I just decided right here, right now as I am typing: this is now a Whole45. It's the right choice for me. It will reinforce my new healthy habits and ensure that I'm feeling my best physically, mentally, and emotionally all the way through to the close of the school year (when stress will no doubt threaten to take me down).

This is an important time to be--and stay--at the top of my game. The results of the experiment are extremely important but they can wait a couple more weeks. If anything, a longer elimination period will only strengthen the data gleaned when I do reintroduce foods.

Hmm, it feels really good to make this decision--

I'm doing a Whole45.

And when I complete it, I will simultaneously be completing my first year as a veterinary student.

That feels good. That feels right.

Bring it on.

day 23: pumping the brakes

I got some really good news today.

My physical therapist gave me the go-ahead to try running again (okay, more like jogging). He recommended going out walking for 10-15 minutes to get warmed up, then jogging at an easy pace for 10-15 minutes, and finishing by walking again for at least 5-10 minutes to cool down. "And then see how I feel."

So far in my life, I've run two marathons, three half-marathons, countless 5k and 10k races, and logged immeasurable miles on the roads and trails. Gun to my head now, I guess I would probably call myself a "runner". Since I got into weightlifting, I continued to run but no longer for distance or endurance like I had in the past.  It was something to do to stretch my legs in between lift days--a way to get sprint intervals in to train my explosive muscle fibers, and of course to get the pup all worn out.

So it goes without saying that not running has left a kind of void for a while.

The thought of running now--heart pumping, wind whipping through my ponytail, the methodical left-right-left-right--gets me excited. Like excited excited.

As soon as I got out of therapy today I wanted to ditch my car and run all the way home. This would have been a bad idea for multiple reasons--only two of which being that my house is WAY more than a 15 minute jog from school, and I had already spent time on the elliptical today because the weather was crap (read: snow).

It's so nice to be healthy enough to be able to do things again. EXCEPT! I want to do all the things. I want to ride my bike to school, get a lift in, ride home, go for a run, do a little yoga, skate around, hit some bitches--

Oh, and be a full-time vet student. There's that teensy-weensy detail.

Two-months-ago me says, "DO IT! DO ALL THE THINGS! YOU CAN MAKE IT WORK!"

Present-day me says, "Hey now, hold on, wait a minute! You did a nice full-body workout at the gym today, you don't also need to run. Give your muscles the chance to recover. Make a nice meal. Stretch. Soak in the tub. Plus, are you going to be able to run AND get your schoolwork finished AND get to bed at a reasonable hour? You know all that training is for not if you don't get enough rest!"

Present-day me is so darn rational sometimes.

I've been cooped up for so long now, it sort of feels like I'm breaking out. And in my new found freedom, I have the opportunity to do all these things I haven't been able to--and I want to do them all, now.

But I shouldn't.

Just because I can run and I can skate doesn't mean I can do so with abandon...yet.

Old habits are hard to break (understatement, much?) and I so desperately want to avoid relapsing into old two-months-ago me who didn't take care of her (my) body that I'm willing to endure the slow climb. It has been a long time coming from being immobilized on my floor with a heating pad and a vile of muscle relaxers to doing full wheel pose pain-free and thinking of nothing else but my posture and core engagement during any activity, be it sitting in lecture, walking, riding my bike, or even lounging at home.

I say this with confidence: things are going to be different from now on. I am different. I am better.

However, I am not fixed. I am forever changed and I cannot and will not ever go back. I will find a way to balance all of those wonderful things I love in my life (key word--BALANCE). It will not happen today, or tomorrow, or probably next week. But with time, I will find a way.

Full disclosure: I'm going for a run tomorrow. It may only be 15 minutes, but I will savor it. Then I will treat my body with care so that I can wake up the next day and each day after that ready to take on new challenges and continue to grow more powerful while maintaining balance.

My engine is revving. Blow the whistle, fire the pistol, wave the flag--here I go!

day 22: just another day

When I do my evening routine right, I really do it right because man, oh man, is my body ready for bed! I'm looking at the clock and thinking how awesome it would be to be under my covers by 10:00pm.

So how's about we keep this short and sweet, shall we?

I hate to brag but it was another stellar day of "my time of the month" (note: not sarcasm) and I did all the relaxing things I needed to in order to capitalize on it.

The weather was disappointing. Colder and blustery, spitting rain, teaser sunshine. Colder tomorrow and not much warmer temperatures forecasted for the next week. That's certainly not how I'd prefer spring to be like but alas, it is what it is.

(I tend to let the weather influence my mood. Today's weather would've usually coincided with a sour puss outlook, but now I'm trying this thing where I don't let stuff like the weather significantly ruin my day. It's working.)

The food I ate was delicious (DUH) and I enjoyed my evening walk, even though it was cold and raw and started to rain on me near the end. What made it more bearable was the first ever episode of the Nom Nom Paleo podcast that I was listening to. It was thoroughly enjoyable and I look forward to next week's new episode. (Side note: I like their philosophy on Paleo eating. I can get on board with that.)

Now, as much as I'd enjoy chronicling every little detail of my day to you, my eyelids are heavy and I may start to fall asleep on the keyboard.

You'll know if that happens because all you'll see is probably:

lkjghjljlhljhadajkdhjhhnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

This blog post hasn't been anything special, but then again, a full nine hours of sleep is totally worth it. Don't be offended, sleep ranks pretty hight on my list. Higher than staying up until midnight trying to write a witty blog entry, anyway.

So with that, I say "Buona notte, e sogni d'oro."

day 21: is this real life?

I'm about to get personal with you right now so--be warned.

There's something I'm so excited about that I need to shout it from the proverbial rooftops (i.e. the internet). I don't care if it's taboo or whatever, or that most of you are going to be, "Ewww, TMI." This is something that is so earth-shatteringly awesome, it can't go unshared.

Oh my gosh, I'm so psyched that I don't even know how to begin!

You guys, I started my period yesterday and I had absolutely no PMS symptoms. And what's more--yesterday and today (the first two days of my cycle, and usually the most difficult) were not that bad. Bearable. More than bearable. Pleasant, even.

Did I mention this was earth-shattering?

Typical happenings leading up to lady times for me include the usual awesomeness (read: sarcasm) like bloating, constipation, headaches, moodiness (including being so volatile emotionally that almost anything could make me to start crying at the drop of a hat), soreness, exhaustion, general malaise, and of course the intense, insatiable desire to eat all the things.

And the actual fun hasn't even begun yet. Once the main event is officially underway, it's all about the cramps. Cramps so persistent that if I don't have a constant stream of NSAIDs going into my body, I'm knocked on my ass. And it has to be ibuprofen, too, which I've always thought was weird. Acetaminophen simply doesn't work. It's always a super big hassle because you're suppose to take it every four hours. But around about hour three, it would stop working and the cramps would come back. So then not only did I have to wait to take more, but then I had to wait for it to kick in again. Then invariably a couple hours later, they would be back. My liver probably wasn't too thrilled with me on those days.

But no more!

Last night when I started to feel a tiny little twinge of cramping (the first physical evidence that anything was actually happening, other than the obvious bleeding, of course), I immediately went to my first feel-better stand-by: a walk. Then I super-setted that with a lavendar Epsom salt bubble bath, cup of tea, bedtime reading and I was like, "What cramps?" There were times this morning that I feared the cramps were going to escalate into a problem but I stayed hydrated, focused on moving, and before I knew it, the mild cramps were a fleeting memory.

The other huge difference (and I mean HUGE) is that my mood has been virtually unaffected. In the past, I have no doubts that I contributed to the cliched crazed, emotional, bitchy stereotype of a woman on her period (This comes to mind.). And it was downright miserable. For me and for those around me (my boyfriend can attest).

I can see now that hormonal and blood sugar imbalances, as well as a seriously dysfunctional attitude towards food, were significantly perpetuating that misery.

This time around I have been an objective participator in the physiological and anatomical wonder that is menstruation. Seriously. This is the most chill period I have ever had.

It's something quite amazing and wonderful to experience when you can recognize it for what it is rather than having it wreak havoc on all aspects of your life from anywhere between four days and two weeks at a time. I mean, today I was a little more tired than usually, I felt weaker, and was somewhat less motivated in general--all of which I can easily attribute to a physiological process or the lack of a specific nutrient. I knew this all before, but was usually so overwhelmed by wallowing in my own self-loathing that I couldn't see it for what it really was--just the shedding of my uterine lining, no big deal.

They say the Whole30 will change your life. For me, this improvement alone is enough to keep me living the Whole30 lifestyle the rest of my days (yeah, it was that bad before). And I have every reason to believe that it's going to get even better with every subsequent cycle.

You probably won't ever hear me say that I'm looking forward to my period (because it's still a messy, stinky, gross thing, let's face it). But hey! At least I can rest assured know that I'm not going to be thrown off my rails on the regular anymore. Consequently, I will no longer be able to use it as an excuse for being lame.

Oh no, what ever shall I do now?

(I'll give you hint: the answer is to "Be awesome".)

day 20: breaking up with bananas

It's not you, it's me. I've changed. I just don't need you anymore. You're too immature. I'm looking for something more serious.

I've been cheating on you with plantains.

We can still be friends. I might occasionally text you when I'm drunk. But don't hold out for me or anything.

Because it's getting pretty serious with the plantains.

For real though.

I used to eat a banana every single day. It was part of my morning smoothie routine. But something I read in It Starts With Food about the particularly high sugar content in bananas made me hesitant. I recognized how I go weak in the knees for a banana smothered in almond butter so I knew if I indulged in that during my Whole30, I would just be feeding my Sugar Dragon.

I've been going pretty light on the fruit in general. That's partially intentional and partially a consequence of making sure I get enough good meat and lots of veggies on my plate that when it's all said and done, there just isn't room for fruit. When I do partake, I try to stick to the recommended ones, like berries and grapefruit. And so far--knock on wood--the fruit I have eaten hasn't seemed to trigger any unwieldy cravings.

It doesn't help that spring is here, and soon more and more yummy fruits will be in season. I picked up a cantaloupe on sale at Wegmans a few days ago. It's currently still in the fridge, untouched. To be completely honest, I'm a little afraid to cut it up because I'm not entirely sure that I'll be able to stop myself from eating too much at once (I really like melon).

That's the thing about my Sugar Dragon and fruit. It may be completely healthy and a super great alternative to cheesecake, but psychologically it's filling the same void. I'm still fine tuning where the line is for me between eating fruit to satisfying a craving for something sweet, and simply enjoying fruit because I can.

So I've made the choice to dump bananas. Plantains fried in ghee satisfy me so much better anyhow (Sorry, bananas).

Plantains are more exotic, too, which is nice when you want to show off your beau. And they're bigger. But you know what they say...

Size doesn't matter, sweetness does.

And when it comes to sugar content, less is always more.

day 19: blood of the tiger

It's difficult for me to tell if my body actually looks better, or if I just think it looks better because my mood and general outlook--and therefore, perception of myself--is better.

It's probably a little bit of both.

I definitely feel like I've de-puffed, if that makes sense. My muscles look more defined, despite working out less frequently and with less intensity. Who knew systemic inflammation was blurring the lines on what I had worked so hard to define? I don't think my general body composition has changed that much, but it's like I was in soft-focus before and now clean-cut details are coming into view. I don't know, maybe it's all the core stabilization exercises I've been doing in physical therapy, but everything feels tighter.

Also, things are just better. Today was one of the most productive days I've had in a long time. But it was simultaneously one of the most relaxing, enjoyable days as well. Getting stuff done is usually hectic and high stress for me--especially initiating it. I do feel better when I get to cross things off my list though. Today was a completely different sensation. There was no stress associated with any of my activities. I was simply going about my day, being awesome.

I think this is what they call "Tiger Blood". According to the typical timeline provided on the Whole30 website, Tiger Blood usually shows up after the halfway point and feels like "someone flipped a switch and turned on the awesome." They say for some, Tiger Blood means "your energy is steadier, you’ve got a firmer handle on the cravings, and you’re experimenting with new, delicious foods. You may notice that your ability to focus is keener, your body composition is changing, your moods are more stable, you’re stepping up your exercise, or you’re just plain happier these days."

All of these things are true for me.

This is a rare instance when I don't really mind being considered "typical". Because it truly is awesome.

I'm not surprised at all. I read the literature, I know people who've done this before, I knew I was going to feel awesome--and the nice thing is, knowing it was coming didn't dampen the feeling one bit.

(Fast forward to reintroduction time and it's going to be even more difficult to say goodbye to this awesome feeling, even if it is only for a few days while I figure out my level of sensitivity to stuff.)

On a somewhat related note, I'm guessing the term "Tiger Blood" is referencing the use of tiger parts in traditional Chinese medicine--with blood being used to strengthen constitution and build willpower. Very apropos for the Whole30--though I do not condone the poaching and selling of these animals and parts on the black market to support this practice. But that is another issue entirely.

For now, I'll strive to stay excellent--with tiger blood coursing through my veins.

day 18: bicyclists and motorists, a rant

When I can I commute by bike, but I also own a car so I'm allowed to say this to drivers: You suck.

You think you're being nice by giving me a wide berth as you pass, but really what you're doing is putting yourself--and me!--in a lot of danger. I don't care how courteous you think you're being, don't blame me when you die in a head-on collision because you crossed over the center line to get around me going over a hill or on a sharp turn. Take a breath and wait to pass safely, just like you would any other vehicle you're too impatient to drive behind on a country road.

Also, newsflash! I'm going faster than you think because when you speed up to pass me only to slam on your breaks to turn into the Dunkin' Donuts just ahead, I also have to lean on my breaks to prevent myself from ramming into your passenger side door. Again, be patient. God forbid you drive 5mph slower for a block and half before reaching your destination.

Next--hand signals. Learn them! Left arm outstretched--that's a left turn (DUH). Left arm cocked up at 90 degrees--that's a RIGHT turn (no really, it is). Left arm cocked down at 90 degrees--that's stopping. NOW YOU KNOW. No excuses. And no, the signal with a fist and one particular finger raised is NOT an appropriate way for vehicle operators to communicate their intentions.

And the things you say--or yell, rather--out of your car windows at me. Equal parts offensive, ignorant, and downright mean. What do think this is accomplishing? I hope you feel so superior now and your friends all had a good laugh. I'm sure when you get home, your daddy will finally tell you how proud he is of you.

In particular, telling me to "get on the sidewalk where I belong" is especially ineffective because last time I checked, the sideWALK was for PEDESTRIANS (It's not called a sideride, now is it?), or did you not see the pretty yellow sign with the picture of a bicycle that says "Share the Road"? Perhaps you missed the lessons on sharing and learning to read back when you were in kindergarten.

The thing is, the weather is only going to get nicer and you're going to be seeing a lot more of me and my fellow cyclists out and about. SO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER and get used to it.

And speaking of my fellow cyclists--you are not exempt from judgement!

For the love of whatever you hold dear, follow the rules of the road. There is no special code for people riding bicycles that allows them to ride through stop signs. This is not surprising news. I know you know this. Take freaking responsibility. You are the reason all of the above jerks treated me like crap today.

I can't single-handedly gain respect back for the cycling community by riding safely and responsibly. I can single-handedly flip everyone the bird as I blaze by all the cars stuck in downtown rush hour traffic.

(But I won't. Unless you deserve it.)

End rant.

day 17: the s word

Let's talk about sex, baby.

Sex With Your Pants On--that is.

The creators of the Whole30 coined this little phrase "Sex With Your Pants On" in reference to the practice of trying to recreate comfort foods with compliant ingredients. For example, pancakes made with sweet potatoes, eggs, and coconut flour, or ice cream made from blending up frozen bananas. All of the indulgence, none of the guilt, right? Right?!

Yes, the components of these sex-with-your-pants-on foods are technically Whole30-compliant but in It Starts With Food we are encouraged to think realistically about why we're driven to make these "comfort" foods in the first place. It's probably because we're trying to satisfy a craving, isn't it?

So even if the "treat" we make contains ingredients that may not bother our intestines or stimulate generalized inflammation, we are doing nothing to improve our hormonal response or psychological relationship with food. Also, the sugar dragon doesn't know that homemade Larabar technically follows all the rules. All he knows is that he wanted a sweet snack, and you gave it to him (Your sugar dragon could also be female--it totally depends. Personally, my sugar dragon hasn't shown enough of itself yet for me to really get a sense of its personality--HOWEVER--I'm coming up on PMS times so I'm sure there will be more on that soon.)

ANYWAY.

Those following the Whole30 protocol are given the charge to not have sex with their pants on with food--figuratively speaking, of course--which means a lot of common food "groups" are completely off the table.

This is where I think the Whole30 way of life deviates sharply from the Paleo diet. Now, I have not done any reading about Paleo and only really know what I can glean from social media and pop culture--which is nothing accurate, I'm sure--so I will refrain from passing any judgement on the Paleo diet at this time.

I will say this: Whole30 and Paleo are not the same thing.

Like I said, I don't know exactly what the "guidelines" for Paleo are, which is why I hesitate to say that anything I eat is Paleo. I have a sneaking suspicion it is a square/rectangle situation--where everything Whole30 could be considered Paleo, but everything considered Paleo is not necessarily Whole30. You know what I mean? (And please correct me if I'm wrong.)

I follow a lot of Paleo food-bloggers on Instagram and my feed is constantly bombarded with the most delectable, indulgent, mouth-watering, cavity-inducing foods that could easily rival work from the Paula Deens of this world. Kudos to those people for achieving the right texture, taste, and consistency everyone knows from the "real" thing using ingredients that you have to take out a small loan to afford at the natural foods store. Please pardon my inability to see what is "primal" about any of the recipes in a cookbook entitled My Paleo Patisserie.

I understand that people have food allergies and sensitivities that they are trying to cope with using some of these ingredients, but for the purposes and goals of the Whole30 most of that just doesn't make sense to me.

If I had trouble putting the breaks on eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting, replacing that with a pint of "paleo" coconut milk ice cream changes nothing. I'm still going to feel guilty and ashamed afterwards, and in the end it's probably still going to upset my stomach.

The Whole30 mantra of "No slips. No cheats. No excuses." may seem prude and stern--even tyrannical--but I see why it is necessary to achieve a complete hormonal reset. Even if my intentions are pure, sex-with-my-pants-on foods are a slippery slope. And being only a little over halfway through my first 30 days, I can't in good conscience tell myself that I've had nearly enough time to tame my sugar dragon to the point where I could give into temptation and not spiral into a "life of sin", as they say.

So even though a sweet potato pancake brunch sounds amazingly sexy, I will remain celibate for now. It's for my own good.

day 16: fat makes you phat

Yesterday I had my usual spaghetti squash and meaty marinara sauce lunch with some blackberries and pineapple. It was delicious (as always), but I was hungry at 4:00pm.

I have this problem where I still "get hungry" in the late afternoon. I'm usually pretty good in the morning, never growling for lunch until around noon. I eat breakfast between 6:30 and 7:00am every morning so that's a solid five and a half hours when I rarely give food a second thought (this is phenomenal, by the way, I love not needing to snack all the time).

But more often than not that late afternoon "tea time" rolls around and I feel peckish. In an effort not to snack, I instead end up eating a relatively early dinner, then I'm fighting off the urge to have a late evening something because I "get hungry" again before bed.

I wondered, if I can make it six hours after breakfast, why can't I after lunch?

The simple answer is: fat.

So today just for kicks I plopped a big spoonful of ghee on my pre-made spaghetti squash lunch before packing it in my lunchbox. I included pineapple and berries again for continuity and went on my merry way.

Lunchtime came and I sat outside in the sun and enjoyed my food. The type and volume of food was basically the same as yesterday (still super yummy), but the satiety level was way up because of the extra ghee. I also made a point of eating the fruit mid-meal instead of eating it last.

I bet you want to know if I was hungry at 4:00pm today.

The simple answer to this is: No, I wasn't--and that's even despite having exercised and expended more energy today than yesterday.

What does this mean for me?

EAT MORE FAT*.

It takes constant reinforcement because I'm still a little brainwashed to fear fat, but it really makes all the difference between being fully-satisfied by a meal and wanting to graze a couple hours later. I mean, which would you rather rationalize calorie-wise (if you're thinking in terms of calories, which I never do anymore either--also awesome): maybe a couple hundred calories in fat added in the form of something delicious like ghee, avocado, olive oil, egg yolks, coconut oil, etc. or probably several hundred calories in spontaneous, most-likely processed convenience food-like snacks to "tied you over" until the next real meal?

I'd rather have the fat. Hands down. Especially since I'm cooking my meal and I can be really deliberate and purposeful about what and how much I'm using.

*It's necessary to clarify that there is a spectrum on which we lie when it comes to appropriate fat consumption. Your current physical state (i.e. body fat vs. lean mass percentages), your daily level of activity, hormonal balance, etc. will all influence where you are on that spectrum.

I believe I am becoming what It Starts With Food refers to as "fat-adapted", meaning my hormones are in the right proportions to begin burning my fat stores for sustained low-level energy rather than needing a constant influx of glucose from my diet (i.e. snacking).

This doesn't happen overnight. In fact, I have no idea how long it truly takes (it may be much longer than 30 days). But I get the sense it's starting to happen to me. By eating well-balanced meals that include the appropriate amount of healthy fats, I'm training my body to use that to get through the day. So instead of overwhelming my system with glucose that may ultimately get stored as fat (thanks, wonky hormones)--by eating fat, I'm actually burning fat!

Mind = blown.

So far, my psychology is still trying to sabotage that nice plan to burn fat by demanding a sweet snack when I don't really need it. The sugar dragon doesn't let go easily. But feeding it fat rather than sugar shuts it up temporarily.

So you can bet I'm going to keep being liberal with ghee in the skillet at all times. I will not hesitate to put avocado on anything and everything (let's be real--is there any food that isn't improved by avocado?). Coconut milk, coconut oil, cashews, almonds, oh my! And bacon! All the bacon.

The possibilities are endless and delicious. Here's to letting go of my fat fears and falling in love with fat freedom.

day 15: better than before

Today was one of those days when I needed to take a step back and assess.

Things seem to be going really well. Overall, I feel so much better. Not just my digestive health because of the good food, but my whole body feels good. My physical therapy is progressing nicely and every day I feel closer to getting back to the fitness level I was before all my sacro-iliac stuff went downhill.

Except I don't want to go back to that. Not anymore.

For almost two months I have felt like a shell of my former self, unable to do any of the physical activities that I loved and thought defined so much of who I was. I was frustrated and depressed because I felt like an inferior person. And it was constantly disconcerting because I wasn't sure if I'd ever get back to "normal".

Recently I decided, this is my new normal.

At first, it felt like defeat, like I was back at square one. But I've been reminding myself (very often, as often as possible), that I'm not back at square one--I may be at square two or three in some areas but I'm definitely not back at square one. In fact, if we're really making comparisons (which I'm trying my best not to do in general), I'm actually ahead of where I was because I've learned some stuff about myself and about balance that I believe will better me in the long run--

And prevent me from ending up where I was two months ago:

Over-worked, over-stressed, over-trained, sleep-deprived, under-nourished (more like--inappropriately-nourished), bottled-up emotionally, and unbalanced in pretty much every way I can think of.

Why would I want to achieve that "normal" again?

I'm still a weightlifter, a derby girl, a runner, a yogi, a bicyclist, skiier, hiker, etc. etc.--I'm still all the those things. But I'm also someone who makes sacrifices in exchange for good sleep, good nutrition, and proper recovery. I'm someone who takes baths regularly, who stretches daily, who is constantly aware of their posture.

Old me cheated myself out of lot of good things and ultimately paid for it. Knowing what I know now, I want to be better than I was before and more conscious of the demands I place on myself. I'm extremely cautious to jump right back into all my activities for fear of falling into old habits along with them.

So I may not be throwing up crazy heavy weights at gym or skating hard in scrimmages (or at all)--YET--but when I do, I will be stronger, more stable, more aware, and more sustainable as an athlete and all-around active member of society than two-months-ago-me could ever dream of being.

It has taken a while to get to this point. And some days I still get frustrated because I wish I could do more right now. But this is what I can do today.

And tomorrow, I'll be listening for my body to tell me what I can do next.

day 14: outta bed ya sleepyhead

When my alarm went off this morning, I jolted up in bed. Usually, the sound fades in from out of the fog in my mind and I suddenly realize it's getting louder and louder before reaching to turn it off.

But it startled me this morning.

I was startled because after laying my head on the pillow some eight hours before, I did not stir--that I was conscious of--until BOOM! it was morning.

This is a big deal.

Before last night, I could honestly say that I didn't remember the last time I slept soundly through the night. 

Let me say that again. In my known memory--meaning all of my 20s, college, high school, basically back to middle school--I don't really remember ever sleeping that soundly. I've always classified myself as a "light sleeper": easily roused by noises, another person rolling over in the bed, or my own need to go to the bathroom.

In recent years, caffeine consumption has probably played a pretty big role. I liked to tell myself that it wasn't affecting me that much since I never really had trouble falling asleep initially at night. Even knowing the half-life of caffeine being about six hours didn't stop me from drinking some caffeinated-beverages as late in the evening as eight or nine some nights. Who did I think I was kidding? Of course that is going to affect my sleep!

So the caffeine was my fault. My bad. Now it's out of my system. 

As far as I can tell, I don't NEED it. My energy levels are fine without it--better even. I do like the taste of coffee (I'm such an adult) so I may have it occasionally in the future (but only first thing in the morning). Anyway, I'm head over heels obsessed with this certain brand of rooibos tea that rocks my world literally every day and there's no shame in making that my new go-to hot beverage (sorry I'm not sorry, Starbucks).

So I've tackled the caffeine problem. The next thing I would point to as sabotaging my sleep is anxiety.

That's a work in progress--but as I've alluded to multiple times already in this journey--nutrition is linked with a lot of factors, and everything together seems to be improving my overall state of well-being, including soothing some of my anxieties. So in general, I'm not so much directly addressing my anxiety issues as they relate to sleep, but I am noticing indirectly how other things in my life (vis-a-vis addressing nutrition, being active, interacting socially, and consequently, sleeping better) are affecting my anxiety levels. 

But more on nutrition (of course, right?). When it comes to sleeping well, I've never really considered that what I was eating was a big factor. I mean, I guess I'd heard that you shouldn't eat right before bed because then your GI system is actively trying to digest while you're sleeping and that can be disruptive. But the hormonal things happening when I'm asleep--and how my food affected those hormones--was completely off my radar.

No more! Consider me a believer. I don't care if it's just the caffeine-free life, just the good food, or a necessary combination of both, I'm on board.

I'm excited to get ready for bed just so I can sleep so well again and wake up even more refreshed and rearing to go tomorrow.

But beware--too many of these nights of sound sleep in a row and I may become unstoppable.

day 13: ode to the sweet potato

Oh you!

Oh queen of the tuberous roots,
Mother of the morning glories.

What joy!

Out of the dirt springs sweetness,
Glowing of orange and red and brown and gold.

And for me!

You grace the garden then the table,
In every incarnation, you dazzle.

What more?

What more could one ask for,
Then to persistently partake in your pleasure.

Oh you, oh joy!

Dazzle once again,
And I will never tire of you.

day 12: see you later, seasonal affective disorder!

We're getting into the time of year when it's going to become really difficult for me to get stuff done because I just want to be outside all the time.

Today was the warmest, sunniest day we've had yet this spring and it looks like it's going to be even warmer tomorrow. In fact, the forecast looks optimistically pleasant for the next 10 days (it's not even supposed to get below freezing at night--fingers crossed). Although--and please don't get angry with me for saying this--I would not put it past upstate New York to dump snow on us at least once again before summer. But let's not think about that, let's focus on today.

And what a beautiful day it was!

I tried to make the most of it: eating my lunch out on my little patio (my shins may be sunburnt tomorrow), driving with the windows down (and the radio way up), and taking a long evening walk (listening to old episodes of "This American Life"). I would have liked to study outside as well, but my back doesn't like slumping over notes on the ground and I don't have a table or anything that I can sit up at and spread out like I can at my desk. Plus, in the gorgeous bright sun it's nearly impossible to read screens and unfortunately, most of my work is computer-based (boo hiss).

So I compromised by opening all the windows and all the blinds so at least I could feel the sun and the breeze while I studied the afternoon away.

Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury Monday through Friday when I'm basically indoors from 8:00am to 5:00pm. I'm lucky that the tutor room in which I spend 2-3 hours a day has a window, lest I go completely mad.

These observations are very telling when it comes to choosing a specialty pathway within veterinary medicine. It's still way too early to know what kind of work I want to do as a vet, but something tells me it's not going to be general practice. I'll know more definitively after my internship this summer but field research sounds awfully inviting.

Ah, but I can't get into that now because I'm almost finished with my deliciously spicy post-dinner cup of rooibos tea, my eyelids are getting heavier by the minute, and I have a date with my pillow and comforter that is fast approaching.

Tonight I'll fall asleep reminding myself to put on SPF tomorrow (gasp!), and already looking forward to feeling the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair.

Bring it, Monday.

day 11: (don't) let them eat cake

I don't even really like cake.

In the battle between pie and cake, I am most definitely a pie girl. And even when it comes to pie, I'd prefer a cobbler, with a crumble topping. I was never really a connoisseur of crust. The fad diet world's aversion to carbs and wheat has brainwashed me in that way.

That's why flourless chocolate cake is popping up on dessert menus in trendy restaurants everywhere. I have no qualms with this. I mean, I've made flourless chocolate cake multiple times and it's literally just four ingredients: dark chocolate, eggs, butter, and sugar. Who can't get on board with that?

But why am I going on about cake, you ask?

Because I've been overcome with the desire to murder some all day. (And by murder, I mean shove handfuls of it into my mouth repeatedly.)

At this point, it's a really non-specific craving. Something--anything--sweet, particularly chocolate-y, rich, creamy, I don't know, almond butter might be involved. I eat a perfectly lovely meal and then for no other reason than it's after the meal, I need to finish it off with something sweet. I'm not even hungry for more food, it just doesn't "feel" like a complete meal unless I've concluded it with "dessert", whether it's cake, pie, ice cream, or a piece of fruit.

And THAT, my friends, is what they call an unhealthy psychological relationship with food.

I have to say, I'm somewhat surprised that it has taken eleven days for my sugar dragon to rear its ugly head. Perhaps it's because I had a relatively lazy day (Saturdays are usually my days to decompress from a long week of school before firing up the engines again on Sunday to prep for the next week). Considering my mind wasn't occupied with class, schoolwork, errands, etc. it was wide open to thoughts of the things I'm not eating.

It's not like I can't handle those thoughts. One of the nice things about the pre-Whole30 process is removing all non-compliant foods from the house. So even if I wanted to go off-script and binge on chocolate cake, I couldn't--I don't have the ingredients. And I wouldn't because it would screw up the experiment. I find it fascinating to sit here with my body/mind saying it wants something ridiculous and recognizing that I don't have to listen. In fact, I'm doing myself a favor by not listening.

I know that if I were to satisfy my sweet tooth craving, I wouldn't feel any better--I would actually feel worse because on top of the emotional/stress/no reason-induced craving I would also have guilt. And guilt is something I never want to associate with food again.

There is this random fact I came across several years ago when I was first getting into farming and reading lots of stuff by Michael Pollan. It was a little blurb about a word association study where a group of Americans and French were each shown a picture of birthday cake and asked to provide the first word that came to mind. For the Americans, the most common answer was "guilt". For the French, the most common answer was "celebration".

That alone speaks volumes about our relationship with food collectively as a society. And I am part of the problem.

However, not for much longer. It may take more than thirty days. It may suck. A lot. But it's time for my sugar dragon to face the music.

When this is all over, I will go to that trendy restaurant and I will order that flourless chocolate cake. Not because of any kind of social convention or guilt-ridden emotional dependance on dessert, but because it's special and I will enjoy and savor every bite--whether it's one, two, or the whole dang pan.

day 10: haiku

Ten out of thirty.
I could write a nice blog post,
But I choose a bath.