day 11: (don't) let them eat cake

I don't even really like cake.

In the battle between pie and cake, I am most definitely a pie girl. And even when it comes to pie, I'd prefer a cobbler, with a crumble topping. I was never really a connoisseur of crust. The fad diet world's aversion to carbs and wheat has brainwashed me in that way.

That's why flourless chocolate cake is popping up on dessert menus in trendy restaurants everywhere. I have no qualms with this. I mean, I've made flourless chocolate cake multiple times and it's literally just four ingredients: dark chocolate, eggs, butter, and sugar. Who can't get on board with that?

But why am I going on about cake, you ask?

Because I've been overcome with the desire to murder some all day. (And by murder, I mean shove handfuls of it into my mouth repeatedly.)

At this point, it's a really non-specific craving. Something--anything--sweet, particularly chocolate-y, rich, creamy, I don't know, almond butter might be involved. I eat a perfectly lovely meal and then for no other reason than it's after the meal, I need to finish it off with something sweet. I'm not even hungry for more food, it just doesn't "feel" like a complete meal unless I've concluded it with "dessert", whether it's cake, pie, ice cream, or a piece of fruit.

And THAT, my friends, is what they call an unhealthy psychological relationship with food.

I have to say, I'm somewhat surprised that it has taken eleven days for my sugar dragon to rear its ugly head. Perhaps it's because I had a relatively lazy day (Saturdays are usually my days to decompress from a long week of school before firing up the engines again on Sunday to prep for the next week). Considering my mind wasn't occupied with class, schoolwork, errands, etc. it was wide open to thoughts of the things I'm not eating.

It's not like I can't handle those thoughts. One of the nice things about the pre-Whole30 process is removing all non-compliant foods from the house. So even if I wanted to go off-script and binge on chocolate cake, I couldn't--I don't have the ingredients. And I wouldn't because it would screw up the experiment. I find it fascinating to sit here with my body/mind saying it wants something ridiculous and recognizing that I don't have to listen. In fact, I'm doing myself a favor by not listening.

I know that if I were to satisfy my sweet tooth craving, I wouldn't feel any better--I would actually feel worse because on top of the emotional/stress/no reason-induced craving I would also have guilt. And guilt is something I never want to associate with food again.

There is this random fact I came across several years ago when I was first getting into farming and reading lots of stuff by Michael Pollan. It was a little blurb about a word association study where a group of Americans and French were each shown a picture of birthday cake and asked to provide the first word that came to mind. For the Americans, the most common answer was "guilt". For the French, the most common answer was "celebration".

That alone speaks volumes about our relationship with food collectively as a society. And I am part of the problem.

However, not for much longer. It may take more than thirty days. It may suck. A lot. But it's time for my sugar dragon to face the music.

When this is all over, I will go to that trendy restaurant and I will order that flourless chocolate cake. Not because of any kind of social convention or guilt-ridden emotional dependance on dessert, but because it's special and I will enjoy and savor every bite--whether it's one, two, or the whole dang pan.