day 8: a clean slate

Today I did a workout with 5lb. dumbbells and I felt like a complete noob.

In physical therapy, I've progressed from just doing back extension stretches to now adding some specific core stabilization exercises. I've also gotten the go-ahead to start returning to the gym to work up my range of motion in some of the the strength lifts (front squats, strict presses, etc) at very light weight, basically the empty bar. No pulls, rows, nothing from the hang. And no olympic movements. Yet.

You'd think I would be over the moon about this move forward. But I picked up those 5-pounders and couldn't help thinking to myself, "You look ridiculous. You could be doing so much more."

I was embarrassed. I am embarrassed.

I want so badly to be back in the condition I was prior to my back spasm. However, I remind myself that my life wasn't properly balanced then--I mean, I ended up here, in physical therapy, unable to do any of the physically active things I love. If I went back to what I was, wouldn't I just end up here again?

Then I am overcome with fear. What if I'm never able to do those things again?

This is a debilitating train of thought and I'm currently undergoing an attitude adjustment of sorts. I'm aware of the level of fitness I was in a couple of months ago, but I'm trying to not let that color what my motivations and goals are now. Of course, I'd love to return to that strength and skill level, but with different priorities. Now I have balance and injury prevention at the forefront of my mind. I've always been technique-focused but now I want to be even more so. I will never do another lift without thinking about what my back and core is doing. This is my opportunity to go back to the basics, and truly build a solid foundation.

In order to progress from feeling like a dweeb with 5lb. dumbbells, I have to forget the lifter I used to be and treat this like the beginning. I can no longer compare my current self to my previous self, it will only result in frustration, anxiety, and feelings of inferiority.

I also cannot rely on my youthful, agile body to pick up the slack when I am not as vigilant about stretching, recovery, and getting adequate rest. It's critical for me to recognize when I should lay back on the exercise intensity because other responsibilities are piling up. I can only stress my body so much, whether it's physical, emotional, or mental. It all adds up.

And I don't want it to add up to a back spasm again.

So if that means doing squats, presses and lunges with 5lb. weights, I'll take it. It's more than I was doing last week, and not as much as I'll be doing next week.