day 15: better than before

Today was one of those days when I needed to take a step back and assess.

Things seem to be going really well. Overall, I feel so much better. Not just my digestive health because of the good food, but my whole body feels good. My physical therapy is progressing nicely and every day I feel closer to getting back to the fitness level I was before all my sacro-iliac stuff went downhill.

Except I don't want to go back to that. Not anymore.

For almost two months I have felt like a shell of my former self, unable to do any of the physical activities that I loved and thought defined so much of who I was. I was frustrated and depressed because I felt like an inferior person. And it was constantly disconcerting because I wasn't sure if I'd ever get back to "normal".

Recently I decided, this is my new normal.

At first, it felt like defeat, like I was back at square one. But I've been reminding myself (very often, as often as possible), that I'm not back at square one--I may be at square two or three in some areas but I'm definitely not back at square one. In fact, if we're really making comparisons (which I'm trying my best not to do in general), I'm actually ahead of where I was because I've learned some stuff about myself and about balance that I believe will better me in the long run--

And prevent me from ending up where I was two months ago:

Over-worked, over-stressed, over-trained, sleep-deprived, under-nourished (more like--inappropriately-nourished), bottled-up emotionally, and unbalanced in pretty much every way I can think of.

Why would I want to achieve that "normal" again?

I'm still a weightlifter, a derby girl, a runner, a yogi, a bicyclist, skiier, hiker, etc. etc.--I'm still all the those things. But I'm also someone who makes sacrifices in exchange for good sleep, good nutrition, and proper recovery. I'm someone who takes baths regularly, who stretches daily, who is constantly aware of their posture.

Old me cheated myself out of lot of good things and ultimately paid for it. Knowing what I know now, I want to be better than I was before and more conscious of the demands I place on myself. I'm extremely cautious to jump right back into all my activities for fear of falling into old habits along with them.

So I may not be throwing up crazy heavy weights at gym or skating hard in scrimmages (or at all)--YET--but when I do, I will be stronger, more stable, more aware, and more sustainable as an athlete and all-around active member of society than two-months-ago-me could ever dream of being.

It has taken a while to get to this point. And some days I still get frustrated because I wish I could do more right now. But this is what I can do today.

And tomorrow, I'll be listening for my body to tell me what I can do next.