day 29: don't worry, just be

Life is funny.

One minute I'm relaxing on a sunny patch of grass and the next I'm having a mini panic attack because my back feels sore for no reason like it did the first time I had a spasm two months ago.

Is it strange to think that the stress I felt in the past few days from my computer and financial woes had manifested in my back?

(By the way, my laptop charger miraculously--because there is no other explanation--started working again today. Don't ask how. Just go with it.)

Is this going to be my life now? Every twinge, every stiffness, every pop, every little sensation is going to send me down a spiral of worry? How will I ever accomplish anything?

My mind immediately begins asking a million questions: Have I hurt myself? Did I try to do too much too soon (but I'm barely doing anything!)? Have I made the problem worse? Am I not ready to be "back in the game", as they say?

...Am I overreacting?

I have my arsenal of therapeutic exercises. I have walks. I have epsom salt baths. I have my supportive pillows. I have all the tools. I know all the right things to do.

It's a good thing too because now I'm hyper-aware of everything in my body. This could be construed in two ways. On the one hand, I can "listen" to my body, understand, and act accordingly. On the other hand, I notice every little ache and pain and assume the worst.

I can't help but fear that my back is now going to be like some elderly people's knees--they know when a storm is coming because they can feel the barometric pressure change in their joints. This is what I have to look forward to, folks.

Not only will I have to be careful with what I do as far as physical activities go but also, if I have a stressful day at school or an emotional conversation with a loved one, chances are I'm going to be feeling it in my back in the days following.

I'm worried today. I'm scared that I'm going to screw something up and hurt myself more. And I'm worried that my worry about this is contributing to the problem (you see it's a vicious cycle).

/sigh

Well, I did what I could today to mitigate disaster. I'm feeling better (though I'm having trouble shaking the thought of how I don't want to sleep in a funny position and really wake up sore tomorrow).

I'd like to make some optimistic/inspiring "tomorrow will be better" statement, but I just don't have it in me right now. For all I know, it might not be better. It will just be. And there's no prior judgment of that. It just is.

day 23: pumping the brakes

I got some really good news today.

My physical therapist gave me the go-ahead to try running again (okay, more like jogging). He recommended going out walking for 10-15 minutes to get warmed up, then jogging at an easy pace for 10-15 minutes, and finishing by walking again for at least 5-10 minutes to cool down. "And then see how I feel."

So far in my life, I've run two marathons, three half-marathons, countless 5k and 10k races, and logged immeasurable miles on the roads and trails. Gun to my head now, I guess I would probably call myself a "runner". Since I got into weightlifting, I continued to run but no longer for distance or endurance like I had in the past.  It was something to do to stretch my legs in between lift days--a way to get sprint intervals in to train my explosive muscle fibers, and of course to get the pup all worn out.

So it goes without saying that not running has left a kind of void for a while.

The thought of running now--heart pumping, wind whipping through my ponytail, the methodical left-right-left-right--gets me excited. Like excited excited.

As soon as I got out of therapy today I wanted to ditch my car and run all the way home. This would have been a bad idea for multiple reasons--only two of which being that my house is WAY more than a 15 minute jog from school, and I had already spent time on the elliptical today because the weather was crap (read: snow).

It's so nice to be healthy enough to be able to do things again. EXCEPT! I want to do all the things. I want to ride my bike to school, get a lift in, ride home, go for a run, do a little yoga, skate around, hit some bitches--

Oh, and be a full-time vet student. There's that teensy-weensy detail.

Two-months-ago me says, "DO IT! DO ALL THE THINGS! YOU CAN MAKE IT WORK!"

Present-day me says, "Hey now, hold on, wait a minute! You did a nice full-body workout at the gym today, you don't also need to run. Give your muscles the chance to recover. Make a nice meal. Stretch. Soak in the tub. Plus, are you going to be able to run AND get your schoolwork finished AND get to bed at a reasonable hour? You know all that training is for not if you don't get enough rest!"

Present-day me is so darn rational sometimes.

I've been cooped up for so long now, it sort of feels like I'm breaking out. And in my new found freedom, I have the opportunity to do all these things I haven't been able to--and I want to do them all, now.

But I shouldn't.

Just because I can run and I can skate doesn't mean I can do so with abandon...yet.

Old habits are hard to break (understatement, much?) and I so desperately want to avoid relapsing into old two-months-ago me who didn't take care of her (my) body that I'm willing to endure the slow climb. It has been a long time coming from being immobilized on my floor with a heating pad and a vile of muscle relaxers to doing full wheel pose pain-free and thinking of nothing else but my posture and core engagement during any activity, be it sitting in lecture, walking, riding my bike, or even lounging at home.

I say this with confidence: things are going to be different from now on. I am different. I am better.

However, I am not fixed. I am forever changed and I cannot and will not ever go back. I will find a way to balance all of those wonderful things I love in my life (key word--BALANCE). It will not happen today, or tomorrow, or probably next week. But with time, I will find a way.

Full disclosure: I'm going for a run tomorrow. It may only be 15 minutes, but I will savor it. Then I will treat my body with care so that I can wake up the next day and each day after that ready to take on new challenges and continue to grow more powerful while maintaining balance.

My engine is revving. Blow the whistle, fire the pistol, wave the flag--here I go!

day 18: bicyclists and motorists, a rant

When I can I commute by bike, but I also own a car so I'm allowed to say this to drivers: You suck.

You think you're being nice by giving me a wide berth as you pass, but really what you're doing is putting yourself--and me!--in a lot of danger. I don't care how courteous you think you're being, don't blame me when you die in a head-on collision because you crossed over the center line to get around me going over a hill or on a sharp turn. Take a breath and wait to pass safely, just like you would any other vehicle you're too impatient to drive behind on a country road.

Also, newsflash! I'm going faster than you think because when you speed up to pass me only to slam on your breaks to turn into the Dunkin' Donuts just ahead, I also have to lean on my breaks to prevent myself from ramming into your passenger side door. Again, be patient. God forbid you drive 5mph slower for a block and half before reaching your destination.

Next--hand signals. Learn them! Left arm outstretched--that's a left turn (DUH). Left arm cocked up at 90 degrees--that's a RIGHT turn (no really, it is). Left arm cocked down at 90 degrees--that's stopping. NOW YOU KNOW. No excuses. And no, the signal with a fist and one particular finger raised is NOT an appropriate way for vehicle operators to communicate their intentions.

And the things you say--or yell, rather--out of your car windows at me. Equal parts offensive, ignorant, and downright mean. What do think this is accomplishing? I hope you feel so superior now and your friends all had a good laugh. I'm sure when you get home, your daddy will finally tell you how proud he is of you.

In particular, telling me to "get on the sidewalk where I belong" is especially ineffective because last time I checked, the sideWALK was for PEDESTRIANS (It's not called a sideride, now is it?), or did you not see the pretty yellow sign with the picture of a bicycle that says "Share the Road"? Perhaps you missed the lessons on sharing and learning to read back when you were in kindergarten.

The thing is, the weather is only going to get nicer and you're going to be seeing a lot more of me and my fellow cyclists out and about. SO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER and get used to it.

And speaking of my fellow cyclists--you are not exempt from judgement!

For the love of whatever you hold dear, follow the rules of the road. There is no special code for people riding bicycles that allows them to ride through stop signs. This is not surprising news. I know you know this. Take freaking responsibility. You are the reason all of the above jerks treated me like crap today.

I can't single-handedly gain respect back for the cycling community by riding safely and responsibly. I can single-handedly flip everyone the bird as I blaze by all the cars stuck in downtown rush hour traffic.

(But I won't. Unless you deserve it.)

End rant.

day 15: better than before

Today was one of those days when I needed to take a step back and assess.

Things seem to be going really well. Overall, I feel so much better. Not just my digestive health because of the good food, but my whole body feels good. My physical therapy is progressing nicely and every day I feel closer to getting back to the fitness level I was before all my sacro-iliac stuff went downhill.

Except I don't want to go back to that. Not anymore.

For almost two months I have felt like a shell of my former self, unable to do any of the physical activities that I loved and thought defined so much of who I was. I was frustrated and depressed because I felt like an inferior person. And it was constantly disconcerting because I wasn't sure if I'd ever get back to "normal".

Recently I decided, this is my new normal.

At first, it felt like defeat, like I was back at square one. But I've been reminding myself (very often, as often as possible), that I'm not back at square one--I may be at square two or three in some areas but I'm definitely not back at square one. In fact, if we're really making comparisons (which I'm trying my best not to do in general), I'm actually ahead of where I was because I've learned some stuff about myself and about balance that I believe will better me in the long run--

And prevent me from ending up where I was two months ago:

Over-worked, over-stressed, over-trained, sleep-deprived, under-nourished (more like--inappropriately-nourished), bottled-up emotionally, and unbalanced in pretty much every way I can think of.

Why would I want to achieve that "normal" again?

I'm still a weightlifter, a derby girl, a runner, a yogi, a bicyclist, skiier, hiker, etc. etc.--I'm still all the those things. But I'm also someone who makes sacrifices in exchange for good sleep, good nutrition, and proper recovery. I'm someone who takes baths regularly, who stretches daily, who is constantly aware of their posture.

Old me cheated myself out of lot of good things and ultimately paid for it. Knowing what I know now, I want to be better than I was before and more conscious of the demands I place on myself. I'm extremely cautious to jump right back into all my activities for fear of falling into old habits along with them.

So I may not be throwing up crazy heavy weights at gym or skating hard in scrimmages (or at all)--YET--but when I do, I will be stronger, more stable, more aware, and more sustainable as an athlete and all-around active member of society than two-months-ago-me could ever dream of being.

It has taken a while to get to this point. And some days I still get frustrated because I wish I could do more right now. But this is what I can do today.

And tomorrow, I'll be listening for my body to tell me what I can do next.

day 12: see you later, seasonal affective disorder!

We're getting into the time of year when it's going to become really difficult for me to get stuff done because I just want to be outside all the time.

Today was the warmest, sunniest day we've had yet this spring and it looks like it's going to be even warmer tomorrow. In fact, the forecast looks optimistically pleasant for the next 10 days (it's not even supposed to get below freezing at night--fingers crossed). Although--and please don't get angry with me for saying this--I would not put it past upstate New York to dump snow on us at least once again before summer. But let's not think about that, let's focus on today.

And what a beautiful day it was!

I tried to make the most of it: eating my lunch out on my little patio (my shins may be sunburnt tomorrow), driving with the windows down (and the radio way up), and taking a long evening walk (listening to old episodes of "This American Life"). I would have liked to study outside as well, but my back doesn't like slumping over notes on the ground and I don't have a table or anything that I can sit up at and spread out like I can at my desk. Plus, in the gorgeous bright sun it's nearly impossible to read screens and unfortunately, most of my work is computer-based (boo hiss).

So I compromised by opening all the windows and all the blinds so at least I could feel the sun and the breeze while I studied the afternoon away.

Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury Monday through Friday when I'm basically indoors from 8:00am to 5:00pm. I'm lucky that the tutor room in which I spend 2-3 hours a day has a window, lest I go completely mad.

These observations are very telling when it comes to choosing a specialty pathway within veterinary medicine. It's still way too early to know what kind of work I want to do as a vet, but something tells me it's not going to be general practice. I'll know more definitively after my internship this summer but field research sounds awfully inviting.

Ah, but I can't get into that now because I'm almost finished with my deliciously spicy post-dinner cup of rooibos tea, my eyelids are getting heavier by the minute, and I have a date with my pillow and comforter that is fast approaching.

Tonight I'll fall asleep reminding myself to put on SPF tomorrow (gasp!), and already looking forward to feeling the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair.

Bring it, Monday.

day 8: a clean slate

Today I did a workout with 5lb. dumbbells and I felt like a complete noob.

In physical therapy, I've progressed from just doing back extension stretches to now adding some specific core stabilization exercises. I've also gotten the go-ahead to start returning to the gym to work up my range of motion in some of the the strength lifts (front squats, strict presses, etc) at very light weight, basically the empty bar. No pulls, rows, nothing from the hang. And no olympic movements. Yet.

You'd think I would be over the moon about this move forward. But I picked up those 5-pounders and couldn't help thinking to myself, "You look ridiculous. You could be doing so much more."

I was embarrassed. I am embarrassed.

I want so badly to be back in the condition I was prior to my back spasm. However, I remind myself that my life wasn't properly balanced then--I mean, I ended up here, in physical therapy, unable to do any of the physically active things I love. If I went back to what I was, wouldn't I just end up here again?

Then I am overcome with fear. What if I'm never able to do those things again?

This is a debilitating train of thought and I'm currently undergoing an attitude adjustment of sorts. I'm aware of the level of fitness I was in a couple of months ago, but I'm trying to not let that color what my motivations and goals are now. Of course, I'd love to return to that strength and skill level, but with different priorities. Now I have balance and injury prevention at the forefront of my mind. I've always been technique-focused but now I want to be even more so. I will never do another lift without thinking about what my back and core is doing. This is my opportunity to go back to the basics, and truly build a solid foundation.

In order to progress from feeling like a dweeb with 5lb. dumbbells, I have to forget the lifter I used to be and treat this like the beginning. I can no longer compare my current self to my previous self, it will only result in frustration, anxiety, and feelings of inferiority.

I also cannot rely on my youthful, agile body to pick up the slack when I am not as vigilant about stretching, recovery, and getting adequate rest. It's critical for me to recognize when I should lay back on the exercise intensity because other responsibilities are piling up. I can only stress my body so much, whether it's physical, emotional, or mental. It all adds up.

And I don't want it to add up to a back spasm again.

So if that means doing squats, presses and lunges with 5lb. weights, I'll take it. It's more than I was doing last week, and not as much as I'll be doing next week.