reintro day 2: when it's worth it

The good news is, drinking red wine last night didn't throw me off at all; no noticeable adverse reactions.

The bad news is, it didn't rock my world either.

In fact, rather than getting almost immediately tipsy happy drunk (which is what I thought would happen after abstaining from alcohol for over six weeks), I simply got really tired. Like falling asleep on the couch at 7:30pm tired. This may seem like not that big of a deal, but after forty-five days of healthy energy cycles, being tired enough to fall asleep at 7:30pm is out of the ordinary.

After one glass of wine.

So instead of being the life of the party, I was simply the star of my own snuggle party for one located under my covers in bed. Not sexy.

This isn't that bad I guess, things could be a lot worse.

I'll be happy to have wine, whiskey, and hard cider back on the table for the occasional imbibition, but I'll also be happy to pass on the empty nutrition unless I'm totally feeling it's worth it.

It will be interesting to see if I experience the same exhaustion after sipping bourbon, or if that is unique to red wine. If it is, perhaps I'll be a whiskey girl exclusively--and there ain't nothing wrong with that.

For now, I'm just as satisfied with naturally-flavored sparkling water, kombucha, or iced rooibos tea. And I sleep much better at night knowing I'm enjoying a refreshing beverage that is making me more healthy rather than slipping back into less healthy territory.

It's nice that during this reintroduction process, I'm still basically living the Whole30 life even though the Whole 30/45 is technically "over" (I wasn't totally ready to let it go--I'm a huge fan of how I feel and have been sort of dreading reintroduction of less healthy things). But I know it's a necessary part of the experiment and so far the experience has been positive.

I'm already looking toward Tuesday and thinking about hummus and peanut butter. I used to be someone who ate peanut butter on the regular--like, literally every morning. I also often made my own hummus and had it daily with carrot sticks as an afternoon snack.

Homemade hummus is the bomb and peanut goes well with everything. But the cool thing is, before I even reintroduce legumes, I'm already at peace with the idea that they potentially won't be worth it for me--especially soy.

There are so many better things I could be doing with myself and my food that fulfill the same purposes that hummus and peanut butter try to do. So I will likely eat less legumes simply as a result of my changed lifestyle (e.g. no more morning smoothie, and no snacking required), rather than as a consequence of specifically avoiding them.

Reintroduction day for legumes will be interesting as I try to orchestrate getting single servings to incorporate into my meals (I don't want to go about buying a whole jar of peanut butter or an entire package of hummus, or bottle of soy sauce, or bag of frozen edamame if I find after one helping that it's totally not worth it).

If that is the case, bring on the almonds and cashews, and let me dip vegetables into tonnato sauce, beet hummus, and liver pate.

I'm so glad that the Whole30 introduced me to all these interesting options. I rest easy knowing that no matter what happens, I will never be bored with my food, and I will also be able to make an informed and aware decision about what I want to eat. No more mindless eating--not even of delicious combinations of peanut butter and literally anything else.

I can't say I'm not glad to be eating Whole30 for another day. But I'm also glad to be checking things off the list as worth it or not.

The worst part of this all may be not being able to characterize my meals with the #Whole30 hashtag on Instagram and Twitter to include the awesome community of Whole30ers all over the world in what I'm doing. Is that weird?

From here on out it will be #Whole9 all the way because that's life. The nine factors.

Right now, the factor on the brain is Sleep. And with that, goodnight.

reintro day 1: red, red wine

Stay tuned for results!

day 44 & 45: this is it

It still hasn't completely sunk in that I'm done with school for the summer. This year has been a difficult one for me--in more ways than just academically--and for a long time, I've been in a kind of purgatory just waiting to get to this point.

The last twelve months have been filled with a lot of transition: making the move to Ithaca, starting vet school, etc. etc. etc. I am heading straight into more transition now: moving to a new place (with my mountain man and our polar bear), trying my hand at research for the summer, then, of course, starting my second year of vet school in the fall.

How I approach coping with the stress of transitions like these has changed a lot over the past few months. Even though I've always considered myself a healthy person, one of the biggest realizations I've had as a result of this journey back from my back spasm episode (what I've deemed the "instigating event") has been that health wasn't really a priority--at least not like I thought.

I understand things about myself now, how I could feel, how I should feel, that I'm not sure I ever would have learned if I had not tried the Whole30.

This is a big statement.

But I say it with confidence.

I still have a lot of learn as I complete the reintroduction process, but through it all I will only continue to harness the ability to take control of my health in a positive way.

Going forward I will be able to say this is how I know I can be my best. That will not contribute to me being my best, therefore--for me--it's not necessary to include that in my life at this time. Being able to say NO THANK YOU to something you previously touted as irresistible is extremely freeing.

And it's not a reluctant "No thank you" because I'm depriving myself. It's a a very resolute and content "No thank you" because I genuinely understand what my body needs and doesn't need.

I can't express enough how liberating this is. "Food freedom" is kind of the mantra of the Whole30, and I totally get it now. It's difficult to explain until you experience it yourself (and it will be different for everyone) but for me it's not missing the things I used to feel guilty eating. It's not feeling guilty eating anything. Everything I eat and do for my body is so satisfying, I honestly don't think I'm missing out on anything.

And the best part is, when something does show up on my plate that is--by all definitions of the word--an indulgence, I can partake guilt-free whether it's one bite or fifty because I will be doing so from a position of awareness.

The last thing I've ever wanted to do throughout this whole journey is sound preachy or self-righteous. So I will pump the brakes as I sum up and de-brief the last forty-five days.

Obviously I hope everyone can find food freedom and change their life permanently for the better. But like other addictions and unhealthy habits, change has to come from within.

For me, that change came about after the last straw literally broke the camel's back (I'm the camel). I'm not sure what that last straw was exactly, but the message was clear that I needed to do things differently.

Just like a lot of different stresses culminated to manifest in a physical breakdown, a lot of different approaches have worked together to help me cope with those stresses. It's not just changing my food, it's taking action according to all of those factors I've mention before (and you can read about them here).

In a way, because I opened myself up to try changing my food habits, I've indirectly improved other, non-food related, aspects of my life as well. This is where the life-changing really comes in. It's not just about the foods I've eaten or will eat in the future, but the approach to why and how I choose to eat and conduct my life in general.

This is, in fact, the first day of the rest of my life. And it is good.

day 43: ellie eat world

How I stay stress-free in the middle of finals week and subsequently prepare to go away for the weekend the absolute millisecond I'm finished with exams:

*Spoiler alert: this list will look a lot like yesterday's. When it works, it works.

• Eat all the good food!
• Do all the good yoga!
• Drink all the good tea!

Okay, that's enough of that.

• Go for a walk (even though it's cold and windy--but at least the sun finally came out).
• Foam roll (all together now: "Ahhhhhhhh").
• That epsom salt and eucalyptus bubble bath though.
• Read a book unrelated to vet school (Gasp!).
• Collect all the dirty laundry in the basket.
• Prep all my toiletries (I'm an addict).
• Make snacks for the road (on the docket is crackin' chicken, hard-boiled eggs, plantain chips, guacamole, carrot sticks, whatever else I can throw together with what's in the fridge).
• Skype times with the mountain man.
• Wash those dishes, girl.
• Oh, and did I mention go to sleep at a decent hour?
• And breathe.

It just takes some time.

Little girl, you're in the middle of the ride.

Everything will be just fine.

Everything will be all right.

day 42: the answer to life, the universe, and everything

Things I do to de-stress before final exams:

• Break a sweat at the gym.
• Vent a little with friends.
• Sip coconut sparkling water with tart cherry juice.
• Wash all the dirty dishes in the sink.
• Watch the newest BroScience video.
• Go for a leisurely walk.
• Get upside down!
• Prepare a homemade meal loaded with all the nutrients.
• Listen to the latest "This American Life".
• Take a epsom salt bubble bath.
• Steep my tea for the morning.
• Set out frozen meat to thaw for breakfast.
• Go to bed at a decent hour.

Buona notte.

day 41: less than three days

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this brief message:

I have many more important things to be doing other than writing a snarky blog post. So I am going to go do those things.

End of message.

This has been a test. I repeat: this has only been a test.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled primetime entertainment, brought to you by [insert corporate conglomerate here].

day 40: crunch time

Currently, I'm battling the stress of wanting to get lots of studying in so I can do my best on these upcoming exams with the futility of knowing there is no possible way I could cover the amount of material expected of me in the given time.

While understanding the material is an obvious priority, it isn't my only one. I refuse to go through this week neglecting all the things that keep my brain functioning in its optimal state.

So yeah, I'm going to prioritize sleep over cramming into the wee hours of the morning.

I'm going to prioritize good food. I've already made all my lunches for the week--I can't have that using up my limited will power each day. Meal prepping may have taken up time today that I could've been studying, but I see it as a trade off for the time I save each day not having to fuss over figuring out what to prepare and pack for lunch and/or dinner.

You better believe I'm going to make time for healthy movement too, even if it's just a 30 minute walk in the afternoon. My brain functions best when I've moved my body, so there will be lots of random yoga poses interspersed between chunks of studying.

I also have to remain realistic. There's no way I'm going to memorize everything I need to before Wednesday. BUT--I've put in time this entire term, and I haven't been completely clueless, so I won't be doomed--even if I don't study a wink over the next 48 hours. (This is not my plan--obviously I'm going to study--I'm just also trying to keep perspective).

It's going to be a struggle. This is going to be a difficult week. There will probably be tears, anger, hopelessness, etc. etc.

But I can get through it. I'm thinking of a random quote I saw on someone's Facebook page once and it said something along the lines of "On particularly difficult days like this, I always remind myself that so far my track record for getting through tough days has been 100%."

School has been difficult before. I've struggled. And I got through it then. Just like I'm going to get through this.

With that, I must retire to bed because the alarm is going to go off sooner than I'd like and tomorrow morning it will be getting-down-to-business time.

day 39: on being selfish

I've been thinking a lot lately about sustaining this healthier lifestyle post-Whole30.

In the past, I maintained a healthy diet (or at least tried to) because I was constantly striving to lose weight, be more fit, and avoid the guilt I felt when I indulged in junk. But now that my relationship with food has changed, the reasons behind why I eat what I eat have changed as well. I'm learning that what I eat can have profound influences on my overall health in ways I never considered before.

It was brought to my attention today that the results I'm seeing are really significant because most people would probably attempt to treat their sleep issues, mood quality, and anxiety levels with over-the counter and even prescription medications. But I am seeing improvements in all of those things and more just by changing the way I eat.

I know I've said this before, but it's a big deal.

I didn't have metabolic issues like insulin resistance, or other clinical signs like hypertension or high cholesterol before I started this so I can't speak to that. But I'm not surprised when I read about others suffering from diabetes or chronic joint pain who find relief when they change their food habits according to Whole30 guidelines.

It is true what they say, that you can't be sure whether or not something is affecting you until you take it away and see how you feel. In It Starts With Food, the Hartwigs use an analogy where you're allergic to a tree that is right outside your window at home but you don't realize it. You have itchy eyes and a runny nose and sneeze every single day and eventually you become accustomed enough that it feels like this is your "normal life". Then you go on vacation somewhere those trees don't grow and you suddenly wake up every day refreshed and energized and without any general malaise you were accustomed to feeling at home, and amazed that this energetic, rested, simply happier state can be attained "normally".

Whatever bothers you, whether it's indigestion, acne, achey knees, a sore back, mood swings, depression, diabetes, the list could go on and on--I am willing to bet that just trying thirty days of focusing on foods that make you more healthy instead of less healthy will make a difference.

I'm not promising a cure or anything. But I am confident enough--after seeing how my own life has changed for the better--that I can say that something could be improved in your life. And your diet is great place to start in order to make those improvements.

The difficult part comes in when you're done, you reintroduce, and then you have to decide what's "worth it". What about special occasions, family dinners, holidays, vacations, times and places when you don't get to dictate what's on your plate--what then?

Since I haven't gone through the reintroduction protocol yet, I can't say definitively what's worth it for me and what's definitely not. But I can say that there are some of my habits associated with food that will be changed permanently. And that has effects on the people closest to me.

So what's worth it?

Putting social niceties ahead of my own optimal health is not.
Avoiding potentially hurting my mother's, grandmother's, or other generous host's feelings is probably not either (sorry, but it's true).

Now that I know how good I can feel, I'm going to be selfish and want to feel that good all the time. This wouldn't really be a problem if I was a hermit and the only person my food choices affected was me (which is basically what I've been for the past year). But in a month, I'll be sharing a home with my significant other. We have plans to travel and visit family this summer, and I know there will be countless instances in the future where my "new" diet (avoiding whatever it is I decide is necessary to avoid) is going to pose extra stress on the situation.

I can't really know how I'm going to handle those situations until I come upon them. But I can say that I'm not going to immediately roll over for the Standard American Diet whenever I'm presented with a little inconvenience or pressure. My health is too important to me.

That sounds selfish.

But it's okay to be selfish when it comes to your health. Compromise is really important to maintaining healthy relationships. And this can sometimes apply to your relationship with food. But you have to suss out what's worth it because you think it's worth it versus what you're telling yourself is worth it because you just can't bother to go through the rigmarole of finding a more healthy option.

So I'm being selfish--to what extent is to be determined, BUT--

I (and you) might as well come to terms with it now, I'm going to be selfish. My health isn't something I should have to compromise, and it certainly isn't something I've "earned" or because I "deserve" it. Good health is. And so it should be.

day 38: haiku too

Six days 'til summer.
So close yet still out of reach.
I will make it through.

day 37: real talk

I'm trying this new thing where I acknowledge my perceived inadequacies, but without any immediate pressure to fix them. Yes, of course, I'd like to make progress--and I am working to do so--but I constantly have to remind myself that it won't happen overnight, and I need to stop beating myself up when it doesn't.

It's amazing the relief provided simply by verbal confession, even without any kind of proposition, or solution. Just breaking the silence, forming the words outside of the cockles of my mind does wonders.

I am anxious.
I have insecurities.
I am afraid of failure.

I'm ashamed.
I'm shy.
I want to be liked.

As much as I hate to admit it (because it's not "cool"), indeed, yes--I care what people think of me. Or just that they think of me.

I wish I didn't. But that's not what this is about. This is about acknowledging my true self (rather than the self I project to the world), but without the burden of trying to correct it right now.

I have body image issues.
I have doubts about my goals.
I have doubts. Period.

I thrive on appreciation, but am too self-conscious to properly receive a compliment.
I seek out approval (read: validation), but mostly via social media so I can remain somewhat inconspicuous and anonymous (how very Millennial of me).
I long to be special, to be held in higher regard, but find ways to avoid the work or the spotlight required to occupy such a status.

I could go on...but I won't.

There is a part of me that isn't any of these things. A part of my true self has already figured out how to overcome this ineptness, this mediocrity. The part of me that is aware enough to acknowledge them.

She comes out now and then (I call her Lola, my alter ego).

When I started weightlifting, she came out a lot more, because my body confidence is closely tied to a lot of these other things. Some of that applies now too because feeling and looking healthier (thanks to the Whole30) boosts my confidence as well.

I've said it before and I'll reiterate it here: I am a work in progress.

Some of these things are unfortunate consequences of the human, mortal condition. That's not an excuse to be crippled by them, however.

The path I am on right now is one of awareness, acknowledgment, and conscious change. It's a sliding scale and I will spend the rest of my life striving to be the best version of myself.

A work in progress, yes. But also a masterpiece in the making.

day 36: why my life is a Rogers and Hart song

I get too hungry for dinner at eight.
I like the theatre but never come late.
I never bother with people I hate.

Let's see--yes, yes, and a thousand times, YES. We can just stop here, actually. This is my anthem.

I don't like crap games with Barons and Earls.
Won't go to Harlem in ermine and pearls.
Won't dish the dirt with the rest of the girls.

Okay, so I had to look up what "ermine" was (it is a fancy white fur stoat) but yeah, definitely wouldn't go to Harlem--or anywhere--wearing that. And "dishing the dirt" = "stirring up drama." No thank you.

I like the free, fresh wind in my hair, life without care.
I'm broke--it's oke!
Hate California, it's cold and it's damp.

All true thus far. (Except about hating California. That's false. I love you, California.) Also, in case you were wondering, "oke" is "okay" in this instance.

I go to Coney, the beach is divine.
I go to ball games, the bleachers are fine.
I follow Winchell and read every line.

Never been to Coney Island, but I love the beach in general, as long as it isn't over-crowded (see previous line about "not bothering"). And the cheap seats at a baseball game are basically the only thing that is great about America these days. Winchell was a gossip columnist way back when--but I mean, if we're being completely honest, I love that juicy celebrity gossip as much as the next girl. However, now instead of getting it from the newspaper, I glean if off of Refinery29 or Bravo.

I like a prize fight that isn't a fake.
I love the rowing on Central Park lake.
I go to opera and stay wide awake.

I would've gotten into the huge boxing match last weekend had it not been utterly ridiculous on all accounts. Bodies of water are my jam, clichéd Central Park included. And don't get me started on the opera. I sang that stuff in high school and college. It's legit.

I like the green grass under my shoes, what can I lose?
I'm flat--that's that!
I'm all alone when I lower my lamp.

Mmm-hmmm, guilty on all charges.

Don't know the reason for cocktails at five.
I don't like flying, I'm glad I'm alive.
I crave affection, but not when I drive.

Happy hour is just an excuse to drink away the misery and emptiness you get from your day job. Flying gets a bad rap (thanks, Homeland Security), but I could take it or leave it. And I prefer driving alone so I can roll all the windows down and turn the radio way up and sing.

Folks go to London and leave me behind.
I'll miss the crowning, Queen Mary won't mind.
I don't play Scarlett in "Gone With the Wind".

I've always harbored a deep desire to punch Scarlett O'Hara in the throat.

I like to hang my hat where I please, sail with the breeze.
No dough--hey, ho!
I love La Guardia and think he's a champ.

(La Guardia was the mayor of New York City. I'll refrain from commenting on the current mayor of NYC at this time.)

Girls get massages, they cry and they moan.
Tell Lizzie Arden to leave me alone.
I'm not so hot, but my shape is my own.

(Lizzie Arden is referring to Elizabeth Arden, the cosmetics mogul.) There's an entire feminist agenda in three lines here. Take that, Meghan Trainor.

The food at Sardi's is perfect, no doubt.
I don't know what the Ritz is about.
I drop a nickel and coffee comes out.

Sardi's is that restaurant in Times Square where all the caricatures of celebrities are hanging on the walls. Wouldn't be caught dead there. Hate that touristy stuff. Ain't nobody got time (or money) for that.

I like the sweet, fresh rain in my face.
Diamonds and lace, no got--so what?

So what? The perfect retort. The perfect song. The perfect summation of my life philosophy.

And that's why the lady is a tramp!

day 35: miss independent

"Strangers are just friends you haven't met yet."

No, I didn't see that on a bumper sticker, or in swirly frilly letters in an "inspirational" graphic on the internet. Someone actually said it to me--ironically, I hope! (Right, Joey?)

Blech, the statement is physically revolting to me. Say it, and I cringe and shudder like Whoopi Goldberg the hyena and you just said "Mufasa!" Maybe it's my generalized social anxiety. Maybe it's my overall discontent with the masses. Maybe I'm just a weird loner. Maybe I'm intimidating, stuck-up, and judgmental. At any rate, I have to say that in general, people suck, I don't really like them, and I don't see every stranger as a potential new bestie.

There are several individuals in my life that I like quite a bit, but collectively people are pretty much the worst.

It is this quality of being just the worst that drives my lack of desire to be everyone's buddy. I am someone who would much rather invest the time and energy into having only a few quality friendships, rather than spreading the friendliness around to lots of people that I've never really had a connection with (I guess you could say I'm like Ron Swanson in that way).

This tends to backfire, of course, when I rarely feel that connection to anyone (probably due to my own inability to let my guard down) and end up with, like, zero friends.

It's mostly fine with me. I can enjoy my time alone. And I don't know if anyone has admitted it out loud since possibly kindergarten, but making new friends is hard. I'm of the philosophy that you can't force it, so when thrown into a new situation with new people and new opportunities--it either clicks, or it just doesn't.

So I guess the more accurate statement would be that making new friends isn't necessarily hard, but it does take patience. (Case in point: when you do meet someone you click with, the friendship easily falls into place. So making that friend isn't difficult at all, but stumbling upon them in a world population of over seven billion is somewhat unlikely.)

That's why when I do develop one of those connections, it tends to stick--even from thousands of miles away. You probably want to ask, are these old friendships preventing me from developing new ones? It's possible. But these are my people. And given the odds, I think I'm going to hang on to them while I can.

So yeah, I may not be the most warm and fuzzy person in the world. And I sure as hell won't be easy to get to know right off the bat. But if you put in the time, it could be worth your while.

In the interim, kudos to those of you who can instantly be best friends with literally anyone. You will probably get much further in life than loners like me.

Consequently, I am in the market for an Ithaca person. So if this cynical-ass blog post didn't completely turn you off and you can appreciate the pop culture references, look me up. We could be friends, just so long as we aren't strangers first.

day 34: new normal

This morning I was running a little late (because Mondays, obviously). Okay, so running a little late is pretty standard for me, but today it was a little more. All in all, I was probably ten minutes late to my first lecture at 8:00am.

I skipped going to the office to pick up lecture notes for the week and didn't take my usual quick pee break before class so I could slip into the back of the lecture hall without being too conspicuously tardy.

Lo and behold, I walked in and everyone was socializing, the projector was blank and there was no lecturer at the front of the class. Immediately, I breathed sigh of relief. Realizing the clinician who was supposed to come wasn't there yet, I felt comfortable taking time to pick up notes and use the bathroom in a leisurely fashion.

Returning to the lecture hall filled with increasingly anxious students, the course leader made an announcement basically saying, "We don't know where he is. He's one of our best lecturers. We'll try to post the slides for you, but you won't get any notes. Sorry about that."

Given the situation, there were two predominant reactions that surfaced. Either you were bitter for waking up and coming to class for nothing and regretting the extra hour of sleep you could've gotten, or you were grateful for the extra time to jumpstart your day--especially since it was gorgeous outside and you could now soak up the sun for an hour.

I was the second person. I actually did a kind of double take at my own attitude because bitter and cynical used to be my wheelhouse. But here I was, relieved that I wasn't late after all, and happy that I didn't waste (and as it turns out--couldn't have wasted) time this weekend when it was heaven outside preparing for a lecture that didn't actually happen.

This default positive attitude is a relatively new sensation for me. Being aware of my pessimistic ways and actively trying to find the silver lining in life is usually my course of action. But today--today I automatically focused on the good stuff and didn't focus on what I could've been better.

It still blows my mind that this phenomenon could be (and likely is!) directly related to the food I eat. Virtually nothing else in my life has changed, the potential for irritability is still there. But since I started eating differently, my general mood has been better (regardless of whatever other stresses are always present and unchanged).

This is weird and awesome. I can explain it and yet I can't. I choose to believe that my good food choices are paying off in big ways. Mainly--simply being a happier person. Now that I can observe my peers and how negative they can be about a lot of things, it only sheds more light on the fact that I used to be like that (I'm sorry to those around me--I see now that it's extremely difficult and draining to be around a chronically negative person).

Being a genuinely jovial person without really having to think about it is ridiculous. Ridiculously awesome. I hope it doesn't seem like I'm talking down to those aforementioned "negative people". I say the things I do because that used to be me. And now I can't help but share because I'm constantly being pleasantly surprised by the unintended benefits of the Whole30 program.

I'm now the kind of person that two-months-ago me would've probably rolled her eyes at (but really that was only because deep down she was jealous and wished she could be light-heatedly happy in the face of obstacles). So I'm going to try to keep it going, because it's working for me right now.

Please don't roll your eyes at me.

day 33: west coast calling

I've been fantasizing a lot lately about moving out west.

Maybe it just happens to be the ones I follow, but it seems that a high concentration of the Paleo food bloggers out there on the interwebs are based in California. Perhaps it's the year-round access to fresh produce, or simply that cool people live in Cali and cool people eat Paleo--I don't know.

But I'm constantly jealous.

Scrolling through my Instagram is as inspiring as it is torturing. And not just because of the food. Those crazy California people are constantly on the beach, or hiking, or at the farmer's market, or just outside in the sun being awesome and tan and happy.

I'm not ashamed to say that I totally want to be them. I would love that life. I'll spare you my rendition of Ariel's "Part of Your World" but just so you know--that's the general sentiment here.

Not that I don't love upstate New York. The Adirondacks are one of my favorite places ever to have visited and by far the best place I've ever lived (Vermont, you're a very close second). Mountains are definitely on the required list for any place that I may settle down in. Sorry, Ithaca, but your hills don't count as mountains. I love the ocean too, though. Or a large body of water at least. Mountains and ocean would be ideal (can you see why the west coast is desirable?).

I've been to California twice in my life. The first time--which I don't really count--was marching in the Rose Bowl Parade with the Pride of Missouri State University marching band. I don't count it because a) it was Pasadena, and b) we only went to all the most touristy, corporate, commercial spots that part of southern California had to offer (like Disneyland, outlet malls, etc). It was rushed and hectic and all of my time was pre-planned for me. I didn't get to explore or have any kind of adventure. Thus, I don't consider that as getting a true California experience.

Luckily, the second time I visited California was the complete opposite of the first. The summer after I moved to New York, my boyfriend and I drove cross-country to hike the John Muir Trail. We started in Yosemite National Park, and three weeks--and 250 miles--later stepped off of Mount Whitney. I could write dozens of blog posts about how awesome that trip was, but suffice it to say that is what I think of when I think of California. The dry, rocky, towering ominous peaks. The lush valleys. The crystal clear glacial lakes. The wildlife. The cowboys and the pack mules. Sleeping under the stars. The sunshine. The sunshine, people.

And that was only a very small section of the state. I want to go back and go to northern California. And Oregon. And Washington. I'm seriously lacking in west coast experiences. My grandmother gave my a guide to bicycling the Pacific Coast a long time ago and I keep it on the shelf because there is a part of my still determined to make the trip someday. Maybe I will. Maybe I'll hike the Pacific Crest Trail instead. Maybe I'll do both.

These are things that cross my mind as I'm looking at yet another meal posted to Instagram with fresher ingredients than I could ever dream of, or reading about another food blogger using limes or lemons from their backyard tree.

I guess if I wanted to, I could have an indoor lemon tree. I do have fig trees indoors. But I dream about my figs growing outside in the ground. Maybe someday.

Someday.

Maybe.

day 32: dangerous territory

Whoever first decided that the end of the school year--and thus final exams--should coincide with the beginning of spring and the first few days of truly pleasant weather after a long six months of cold, dreary misery can go jump off a cliff.

It is entirely too difficult to get anything done when the weather is like it was today (and will be tomorrow, and the rest of the next three months, probably), and now--with only one week left of classes--is when I need to be buckling down and studying more than ever.

This is a dangerous place to be in because the end is in sight. More than in sight even, nearly within reach, and I am looking forward to my summer plans so much.

Yesterday I met with the Department of Natural Resources graduate student who will be my supervisor for the research project I'll be working on. We talked logistics for the job and paper work and all that, but then she also gave me a list of birds to brush up on and made sure I had my own binoculars and field guide.

I left that meeting on a little bit of a high just knowing that it is literally part of my job description to go out hiking and simply identify birds. I'm not exactly sure why but this makes me incredibly happy (college-aged me getting her undergraduate degree in wildlife biology would be very pleased with present-day me on this).

I'd much rather spend my time doing that rather than memorizing pharmacological effects on the respiratory system. In fact, there is very little I've studied and learned thus far that excites me as much as the idea of being out in nature and surveying birds. Does this mean I'm in the wrong profession?

I keep telling myself, No! I'm right where I need to be. (But am I? The voice of doubt in my head is strong these days.)

Quickly, I am approaching the perceived point of no return--even if something drastic should happen or I should change my mind completely, I will feel stuck in my current path because of the huge time and financial investment I've made. This is an extremely stressful place to be, and that's on top of the stress of being a veterinary student in and of itself.

The only solution I can see right now is to wait it out--get through the next two weeks, enjoy the summer, see how I handle research, come back in the fall refreshed, and go forward from there. I know I will need to start making some big moves to get the experiences it takes to get onto a path I can feel comfortable and excited about within the veterinary field. But I just don't have the fortitude to find those now, or dedicate energy to stressing about the fact that I haven't found them yet.

I apologize if this stream of consciousness sounds like gibberish. I have a lot of stuff going on in my head, and it's overwhelming to me most of the time, so I can't imagine what it must be like to try to process for those who are outside of my head (which is everyone).

So I will try to spare you any more of my variations of the theme of doubt (it's a recurring theme--a motif, if you will), and stick to more accessible topics (food) because that's why I started this whole blog thing in the first place.

It wasn't my intention for this to become a version of my personal diary with thoughts on all things, even those not remotely related to my Whole30 experiment. Then again--perhaps that is just what I need.

day 31: free pass

I'm surprised (and frankly, impressed) with how consistently I've been able to post to this blog pretty much every day of my Whole30. Therefore, tonight I am totally phoning it in.

This brief message is all I can muster. For whatever reason, I'm really low on energy and motivation today.

My bed is too enticing, and I've used up all my will power for today.

Tomorrow is going to be gorgeous and sunny and warm so no doubt I will be out and about and will have some awesome adventure to chronicle.

But not today. Today is over. This week is over. Finally. And now it's time to sleep.