day 30: keep on keeping on

Has it really been thirty days already?

I don't know about you, but for me this month has flown by. It's hard to believe that in two weeks I'll be finished with this school year (yikes, I have a lot of studying to do between now and then!), and in a month I'll be moving to a brand new apartment and starting my summer job, and shortly after that, my boyfriend and polar bear pup will be moving in as well.

Things are happening.

I am so relieved that I decided to extend my Whole30 experiment a couple more weeks. If I were going to begin reintroductions tomorrow, I would be a mess (I'm enough of a mess all on my own, I don't need undesirable reactions to dairy and legumes to make it worse right now).

But considering that Day 30 is THE FINISH LINE of this whole ordeal for most people, I thought I would take a moment to check in and assess what progress I've made in the last thirty days and what I hope to accomplish by continuing the program.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I must proclaim the good (in no particular order):

1. I'm sleeping more soundly, and waking rested.
2. I no longer feel the need to snack between meals.
3. Virtually no PMS, mood swings, or cramps associated with my menstrual cycle.
4. I feel less bloated in general.
5. Less of my hair falls out daily when I brush it and when I wash it weekly.
6. I'm coping with and managing stress and anxiety in healthier ways.
7. No emotional/binge eating! And no cravings!
8. I have a happier disposition, and a more optimistic outlook.
9. I'm more confident and less introverted (for the most part) and have begun to put myself "out there" more.
10. My seasonal allergies aren't as prevalent.
11. No reliance on caffeine.
12. I feel stronger and look more muscular.
13. I have mad meal preparation skills.
14. I am more in tune with what my body and mind needs, and can trust it when it tells me I need to do (or not do) something.

Some of these things may seem trivial. But a handful of them are big freaking deals to me, particularly the last one.

I despise cliches as much as the next person, but when the authors of It Starts With Food and newly released (and best-selling!) The Whole30 say this program will change your life--they're absolutely right.

To what extent my life is changed will only become more apparent as I go forth with the program and into life beyond Whole30. Taking what I've learned and applying it to all the decisions I make about food and my health will expose what my new habits have evolved into.

Because that's the crux of the "change your life" mantra: changing your habits. That--among other things--is what distinguishes the Whole30 program from other "diets"; the critical fact that after it's over, the results and benefits persist because you've changed your habits permanently, and for the better.

That's the goal anyway. Nobody is perfect. I know I'm not. And I don't plan on eating Whole30-compliant the rest of my life (my family would probably be pretty annoyed with me). But I do know that for the rest of my life, I am going to think about food differently now that I understand how it can affect me.

For now, I'm going to keep this good thing going. Because I can, and I really want to reap all the benefits. I'm selfish like that.

day 29: don't worry, just be

Life is funny.

One minute I'm relaxing on a sunny patch of grass and the next I'm having a mini panic attack because my back feels sore for no reason like it did the first time I had a spasm two months ago.

Is it strange to think that the stress I felt in the past few days from my computer and financial woes had manifested in my back?

(By the way, my laptop charger miraculously--because there is no other explanation--started working again today. Don't ask how. Just go with it.)

Is this going to be my life now? Every twinge, every stiffness, every pop, every little sensation is going to send me down a spiral of worry? How will I ever accomplish anything?

My mind immediately begins asking a million questions: Have I hurt myself? Did I try to do too much too soon (but I'm barely doing anything!)? Have I made the problem worse? Am I not ready to be "back in the game", as they say?

...Am I overreacting?

I have my arsenal of therapeutic exercises. I have walks. I have epsom salt baths. I have my supportive pillows. I have all the tools. I know all the right things to do.

It's a good thing too because now I'm hyper-aware of everything in my body. This could be construed in two ways. On the one hand, I can "listen" to my body, understand, and act accordingly. On the other hand, I notice every little ache and pain and assume the worst.

I can't help but fear that my back is now going to be like some elderly people's knees--they know when a storm is coming because they can feel the barometric pressure change in their joints. This is what I have to look forward to, folks.

Not only will I have to be careful with what I do as far as physical activities go but also, if I have a stressful day at school or an emotional conversation with a loved one, chances are I'm going to be feeling it in my back in the days following.

I'm worried today. I'm scared that I'm going to screw something up and hurt myself more. And I'm worried that my worry about this is contributing to the problem (you see it's a vicious cycle).

/sigh

Well, I did what I could today to mitigate disaster. I'm feeling better (though I'm having trouble shaking the thought of how I don't want to sleep in a funny position and really wake up sore tomorrow).

I'd like to make some optimistic/inspiring "tomorrow will be better" statement, but I just don't have it in me right now. For all I know, it might not be better. It will just be. And there's no prior judgment of that. It just is.

day 28: silver lining

Yesterday I lucked out and stumbled upon blood oranges at the co-op in Syracuse where I stopped for provisions on my drive back from Lake Placid. This may seem insignificant but I have been hunting for blood oranges for over a month now (they are one of my favorite fruits and supremely special because they remind me of Italy). I think I have perused every grocery store in Ithaca--multiple times over--trying to find some to no avail.

So I was filled with surprise, glee, and gratitude (in that order) that this little crunchy granola place in the middle of residential neighborhood stocked them. Naturally I bought all they had (it was only four oranges). This was the perfect end to a stellar weekend away. I was over the moon.

Until last night, when the laptop charger debacle struck.

I am equal parts amazed by and ashamed of how easily my life crumbles when something as mundane and materialistic as not being able to charge my computer happens to me. I have had virtually no bad days since I started this journey almost a month ago now (save my caffeine withdrawal--but even then, my mood was good in spite of the headache and fatigue and I easily overcame it).

However, take away my access to iTunes and Netflix and suddenly I'm a blubbering mess. God forbid I occupy my time at home with a book, or a phone call to a family member. How will I ever stave off the loneliness if I can't fill the silent void with a constant stream of Pandora and old episodes of Radiolab?

The school work I can manage, I guess, even though I'd prefer NOT to study with a jackhammer literally running on the other side of the wall all the time (thanks, vet school construction). It messes with my time flexibility a lot, but then again, doesn't being flexible require that you "make it work" in situations like this?

So I'm struggling with a little pessimism right now--be it about my financial situation, my ability to achieve my goals academically, or simply being comfortable with myself alone in my apartment. But the thing that is different about this than before is that I can recognize the struggle and take responsibility for not being a sour puss.

Enter blood oranges.

I could easily give up on today, convinced that the world hates me and no matter what I do, things will go all wrong. OR--I could sit outside in the sun and eat a blood orange, realizing that yes, I've had better days, but I am capable of getting through this one.

You see, a blood orange is terrible thing to waste on feeling sorry for oneself. And I can't help thinking that I didn't go into that co-op in Syracuse by chance. Those little round packs of ombre ruby citrus heaven were waiting for me. And today, they brightened my day amidst clouds of doubt and choking back tears.

In contrast to how easily my life crumbles sometimes, I am equally as amazed that something as simple as a piece of fruit can turn it around. Or at the very least--provide the catalyst I need to decide that I can turn things around myself.

day 27: technical difficulties

My laptop charger decided to stop functioning today. It didn't take long for my computer's battery to run out and my enthusiasm to drain along with it.

Isn't that just the ticket, another reminder of all the things I need but can't afford. I've known it was about to time to replace my computer for a while now (it's old and slow and is only running on half its original RAM). I was hoping it would at least last through the end of the school year, then I would use some of the money I'll be making this summer to buy a new one.

Even if I could put up with ancient processing speeds for a few more weeks, the piece of scrap aluminum I call my laptop is no good to me with a permanently dead battery.

So here I am, typing up this blog from my phone. (It's tedious.) And I'm falling asleep so I can't even organize my thoughts.

What do I do? Bite the bullet and get a new charger for a computer that will soon be replaced? Or bite the bigger bullet, say, "Screw It!" and just get a whole new computer, then probably having to starve for a few months? Or live without a computer for three weeks, through finals, and figure it out later?

It makes me shiver to think of life without a computer at home but I'm afraid that is the most likely option at this juncture. Unless you can make kickstarters for your own personal funding--because I would be all over that.

This is just not something I want to be dealing with right now. I want to be focusing on my school work--for which possession of a computer is absolutely essential. It doesn't seem fair.

Ugh.

day 26: home stretch

Four more days left in my April Whole30. Three more weeks left in my first year of veterinary school.

This is it, people.

In regards to the Whole30, I'm getting excited to reintroduce some foods and finally see how my body really reacts to them. I'm not looking forward to feeling crappy as a result, but knowing for sure will be worth it. I'm also excited to continue living this new healthy life--it may not be Whole30 24/7 but it will be so much better than before.

When it comes to the school year, I'm excited to no longer spend eight hours a day sitting indoors. I'm terrified--however--by how much I've crammed in my brain in the last nine months and am not sure I'll be able to hold on to it. (I'm terrified of a lot of things when it comes to vet school, but I won't get into that now.)

Looking forward, I hold on to hope that I might convince my boyfriend to try the Whole30 himself (it'll be a hard sell--he really likes cheese). I, on the other hand, would happily continue eating Whole30 indefinitely. As of right now, on day 26, there isn't a food that comes to mind that I immediately want to partake in the instant day 31 rolls around.

My reintroduction protocol will be intentional, but most likely slow. As long as I alone am responsible for the food I consume, it will probably be compliant (it feels too good to stop now). But I can see myself enjoying a glass of wine--or perhaps popcorn at the movies--in the near future so knowing whether those sorts of things are worth it for me will have to be sussed out.

However, there is a very strong possibility that I will simply extend this whole business to a Whole45 because reintroducing foods that could potentially have negative effects that linger for a few days is not necessarily something that I want to inflict on myself during final exams.

In fact, I just decided right here, right now as I am typing: this is now a Whole45. It's the right choice for me. It will reinforce my new healthy habits and ensure that I'm feeling my best physically, mentally, and emotionally all the way through to the close of the school year (when stress will no doubt threaten to take me down).

This is an important time to be--and stay--at the top of my game. The results of the experiment are extremely important but they can wait a couple more weeks. If anything, a longer elimination period will only strengthen the data gleaned when I do reintroduce foods.

Hmm, it feels really good to make this decision--

I'm doing a Whole45.

And when I complete it, I will simultaneously be completing my first year as a veterinary student.

That feels good. That feels right.

Bring it on.

day 25: better together

Life is good. Nothing more to say, really.

day 24: a mountain man and a polar bear

No blog post tonight because I'm busy snuggling with my boys.