day 30: keep on keeping on

Has it really been thirty days already?

I don't know about you, but for me this month has flown by. It's hard to believe that in two weeks I'll be finished with this school year (yikes, I have a lot of studying to do between now and then!), and in a month I'll be moving to a brand new apartment and starting my summer job, and shortly after that, my boyfriend and polar bear pup will be moving in as well.

Things are happening.

I am so relieved that I decided to extend my Whole30 experiment a couple more weeks. If I were going to begin reintroductions tomorrow, I would be a mess (I'm enough of a mess all on my own, I don't need undesirable reactions to dairy and legumes to make it worse right now).

But considering that Day 30 is THE FINISH LINE of this whole ordeal for most people, I thought I would take a moment to check in and assess what progress I've made in the last thirty days and what I hope to accomplish by continuing the program.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I must proclaim the good (in no particular order):

1. I'm sleeping more soundly, and waking rested.
2. I no longer feel the need to snack between meals.
3. Virtually no PMS, mood swings, or cramps associated with my menstrual cycle.
4. I feel less bloated in general.
5. Less of my hair falls out daily when I brush it and when I wash it weekly.
6. I'm coping with and managing stress and anxiety in healthier ways.
7. No emotional/binge eating! And no cravings!
8. I have a happier disposition, and a more optimistic outlook.
9. I'm more confident and less introverted (for the most part) and have begun to put myself "out there" more.
10. My seasonal allergies aren't as prevalent.
11. No reliance on caffeine.
12. I feel stronger and look more muscular.
13. I have mad meal preparation skills.
14. I am more in tune with what my body and mind needs, and can trust it when it tells me I need to do (or not do) something.

Some of these things may seem trivial. But a handful of them are big freaking deals to me, particularly the last one.

I despise cliches as much as the next person, but when the authors of It Starts With Food and newly released (and best-selling!) The Whole30 say this program will change your life--they're absolutely right.

To what extent my life is changed will only become more apparent as I go forth with the program and into life beyond Whole30. Taking what I've learned and applying it to all the decisions I make about food and my health will expose what my new habits have evolved into.

Because that's the crux of the "change your life" mantra: changing your habits. That--among other things--is what distinguishes the Whole30 program from other "diets"; the critical fact that after it's over, the results and benefits persist because you've changed your habits permanently, and for the better.

That's the goal anyway. Nobody is perfect. I know I'm not. And I don't plan on eating Whole30-compliant the rest of my life (my family would probably be pretty annoyed with me). But I do know that for the rest of my life, I am going to think about food differently now that I understand how it can affect me.

For now, I'm going to keep this good thing going. Because I can, and I really want to reap all the benefits. I'm selfish like that.

day 29: don't worry, just be

Life is funny.

One minute I'm relaxing on a sunny patch of grass and the next I'm having a mini panic attack because my back feels sore for no reason like it did the first time I had a spasm two months ago.

Is it strange to think that the stress I felt in the past few days from my computer and financial woes had manifested in my back?

(By the way, my laptop charger miraculously--because there is no other explanation--started working again today. Don't ask how. Just go with it.)

Is this going to be my life now? Every twinge, every stiffness, every pop, every little sensation is going to send me down a spiral of worry? How will I ever accomplish anything?

My mind immediately begins asking a million questions: Have I hurt myself? Did I try to do too much too soon (but I'm barely doing anything!)? Have I made the problem worse? Am I not ready to be "back in the game", as they say?

...Am I overreacting?

I have my arsenal of therapeutic exercises. I have walks. I have epsom salt baths. I have my supportive pillows. I have all the tools. I know all the right things to do.

It's a good thing too because now I'm hyper-aware of everything in my body. This could be construed in two ways. On the one hand, I can "listen" to my body, understand, and act accordingly. On the other hand, I notice every little ache and pain and assume the worst.

I can't help but fear that my back is now going to be like some elderly people's knees--they know when a storm is coming because they can feel the barometric pressure change in their joints. This is what I have to look forward to, folks.

Not only will I have to be careful with what I do as far as physical activities go but also, if I have a stressful day at school or an emotional conversation with a loved one, chances are I'm going to be feeling it in my back in the days following.

I'm worried today. I'm scared that I'm going to screw something up and hurt myself more. And I'm worried that my worry about this is contributing to the problem (you see it's a vicious cycle).

/sigh

Well, I did what I could today to mitigate disaster. I'm feeling better (though I'm having trouble shaking the thought of how I don't want to sleep in a funny position and really wake up sore tomorrow).

I'd like to make some optimistic/inspiring "tomorrow will be better" statement, but I just don't have it in me right now. For all I know, it might not be better. It will just be. And there's no prior judgment of that. It just is.

day 28: silver lining

Yesterday I lucked out and stumbled upon blood oranges at the co-op in Syracuse where I stopped for provisions on my drive back from Lake Placid. This may seem insignificant but I have been hunting for blood oranges for over a month now (they are one of my favorite fruits and supremely special because they remind me of Italy). I think I have perused every grocery store in Ithaca--multiple times over--trying to find some to no avail.

So I was filled with surprise, glee, and gratitude (in that order) that this little crunchy granola place in the middle of residential neighborhood stocked them. Naturally I bought all they had (it was only four oranges). This was the perfect end to a stellar weekend away. I was over the moon.

Until last night, when the laptop charger debacle struck.

I am equal parts amazed by and ashamed of how easily my life crumbles when something as mundane and materialistic as not being able to charge my computer happens to me. I have had virtually no bad days since I started this journey almost a month ago now (save my caffeine withdrawal--but even then, my mood was good in spite of the headache and fatigue and I easily overcame it).

However, take away my access to iTunes and Netflix and suddenly I'm a blubbering mess. God forbid I occupy my time at home with a book, or a phone call to a family member. How will I ever stave off the loneliness if I can't fill the silent void with a constant stream of Pandora and old episodes of Radiolab?

The school work I can manage, I guess, even though I'd prefer NOT to study with a jackhammer literally running on the other side of the wall all the time (thanks, vet school construction). It messes with my time flexibility a lot, but then again, doesn't being flexible require that you "make it work" in situations like this?

So I'm struggling with a little pessimism right now--be it about my financial situation, my ability to achieve my goals academically, or simply being comfortable with myself alone in my apartment. But the thing that is different about this than before is that I can recognize the struggle and take responsibility for not being a sour puss.

Enter blood oranges.

I could easily give up on today, convinced that the world hates me and no matter what I do, things will go all wrong. OR--I could sit outside in the sun and eat a blood orange, realizing that yes, I've had better days, but I am capable of getting through this one.

You see, a blood orange is terrible thing to waste on feeling sorry for oneself. And I can't help thinking that I didn't go into that co-op in Syracuse by chance. Those little round packs of ombre ruby citrus heaven were waiting for me. And today, they brightened my day amidst clouds of doubt and choking back tears.

In contrast to how easily my life crumbles sometimes, I am equally as amazed that something as simple as a piece of fruit can turn it around. Or at the very least--provide the catalyst I need to decide that I can turn things around myself.

day 27: technical difficulties

My laptop charger decided to stop functioning today. It didn't take long for my computer's battery to run out and my enthusiasm to drain along with it.

Isn't that just the ticket, another reminder of all the things I need but can't afford. I've known it was about to time to replace my computer for a while now (it's old and slow and is only running on half its original RAM). I was hoping it would at least last through the end of the school year, then I would use some of the money I'll be making this summer to buy a new one.

Even if I could put up with ancient processing speeds for a few more weeks, the piece of scrap aluminum I call my laptop is no good to me with a permanently dead battery.

So here I am, typing up this blog from my phone. (It's tedious.) And I'm falling asleep so I can't even organize my thoughts.

What do I do? Bite the bullet and get a new charger for a computer that will soon be replaced? Or bite the bigger bullet, say, "Screw It!" and just get a whole new computer, then probably having to starve for a few months? Or live without a computer for three weeks, through finals, and figure it out later?

It makes me shiver to think of life without a computer at home but I'm afraid that is the most likely option at this juncture. Unless you can make kickstarters for your own personal funding--because I would be all over that.

This is just not something I want to be dealing with right now. I want to be focusing on my school work--for which possession of a computer is absolutely essential. It doesn't seem fair.

Ugh.

day 26: home stretch

Four more days left in my April Whole30. Three more weeks left in my first year of veterinary school.

This is it, people.

In regards to the Whole30, I'm getting excited to reintroduce some foods and finally see how my body really reacts to them. I'm not looking forward to feeling crappy as a result, but knowing for sure will be worth it. I'm also excited to continue living this new healthy life--it may not be Whole30 24/7 but it will be so much better than before.

When it comes to the school year, I'm excited to no longer spend eight hours a day sitting indoors. I'm terrified--however--by how much I've crammed in my brain in the last nine months and am not sure I'll be able to hold on to it. (I'm terrified of a lot of things when it comes to vet school, but I won't get into that now.)

Looking forward, I hold on to hope that I might convince my boyfriend to try the Whole30 himself (it'll be a hard sell--he really likes cheese). I, on the other hand, would happily continue eating Whole30 indefinitely. As of right now, on day 26, there isn't a food that comes to mind that I immediately want to partake in the instant day 31 rolls around.

My reintroduction protocol will be intentional, but most likely slow. As long as I alone am responsible for the food I consume, it will probably be compliant (it feels too good to stop now). But I can see myself enjoying a glass of wine--or perhaps popcorn at the movies--in the near future so knowing whether those sorts of things are worth it for me will have to be sussed out.

However, there is a very strong possibility that I will simply extend this whole business to a Whole45 because reintroducing foods that could potentially have negative effects that linger for a few days is not necessarily something that I want to inflict on myself during final exams.

In fact, I just decided right here, right now as I am typing: this is now a Whole45. It's the right choice for me. It will reinforce my new healthy habits and ensure that I'm feeling my best physically, mentally, and emotionally all the way through to the close of the school year (when stress will no doubt threaten to take me down).

This is an important time to be--and stay--at the top of my game. The results of the experiment are extremely important but they can wait a couple more weeks. If anything, a longer elimination period will only strengthen the data gleaned when I do reintroduce foods.

Hmm, it feels really good to make this decision--

I'm doing a Whole45.

And when I complete it, I will simultaneously be completing my first year as a veterinary student.

That feels good. That feels right.

Bring it on.

day 25: better together

Life is good. Nothing more to say, really.

day 24: a mountain man and a polar bear

No blog post tonight because I'm busy snuggling with my boys.

day 23: pumping the brakes

I got some really good news today.

My physical therapist gave me the go-ahead to try running again (okay, more like jogging). He recommended going out walking for 10-15 minutes to get warmed up, then jogging at an easy pace for 10-15 minutes, and finishing by walking again for at least 5-10 minutes to cool down. "And then see how I feel."

So far in my life, I've run two marathons, three half-marathons, countless 5k and 10k races, and logged immeasurable miles on the roads and trails. Gun to my head now, I guess I would probably call myself a "runner". Since I got into weightlifting, I continued to run but no longer for distance or endurance like I had in the past.  It was something to do to stretch my legs in between lift days--a way to get sprint intervals in to train my explosive muscle fibers, and of course to get the pup all worn out.

So it goes without saying that not running has left a kind of void for a while.

The thought of running now--heart pumping, wind whipping through my ponytail, the methodical left-right-left-right--gets me excited. Like excited excited.

As soon as I got out of therapy today I wanted to ditch my car and run all the way home. This would have been a bad idea for multiple reasons--only two of which being that my house is WAY more than a 15 minute jog from school, and I had already spent time on the elliptical today because the weather was crap (read: snow).

It's so nice to be healthy enough to be able to do things again. EXCEPT! I want to do all the things. I want to ride my bike to school, get a lift in, ride home, go for a run, do a little yoga, skate around, hit some bitches--

Oh, and be a full-time vet student. There's that teensy-weensy detail.

Two-months-ago me says, "DO IT! DO ALL THE THINGS! YOU CAN MAKE IT WORK!"

Present-day me says, "Hey now, hold on, wait a minute! You did a nice full-body workout at the gym today, you don't also need to run. Give your muscles the chance to recover. Make a nice meal. Stretch. Soak in the tub. Plus, are you going to be able to run AND get your schoolwork finished AND get to bed at a reasonable hour? You know all that training is for not if you don't get enough rest!"

Present-day me is so darn rational sometimes.

I've been cooped up for so long now, it sort of feels like I'm breaking out. And in my new found freedom, I have the opportunity to do all these things I haven't been able to--and I want to do them all, now.

But I shouldn't.

Just because I can run and I can skate doesn't mean I can do so with abandon...yet.

Old habits are hard to break (understatement, much?) and I so desperately want to avoid relapsing into old two-months-ago me who didn't take care of her (my) body that I'm willing to endure the slow climb. It has been a long time coming from being immobilized on my floor with a heating pad and a vile of muscle relaxers to doing full wheel pose pain-free and thinking of nothing else but my posture and core engagement during any activity, be it sitting in lecture, walking, riding my bike, or even lounging at home.

I say this with confidence: things are going to be different from now on. I am different. I am better.

However, I am not fixed. I am forever changed and I cannot and will not ever go back. I will find a way to balance all of those wonderful things I love in my life (key word--BALANCE). It will not happen today, or tomorrow, or probably next week. But with time, I will find a way.

Full disclosure: I'm going for a run tomorrow. It may only be 15 minutes, but I will savor it. Then I will treat my body with care so that I can wake up the next day and each day after that ready to take on new challenges and continue to grow more powerful while maintaining balance.

My engine is revving. Blow the whistle, fire the pistol, wave the flag--here I go!

day 22: just another day

When I do my evening routine right, I really do it right because man, oh man, is my body ready for bed! I'm looking at the clock and thinking how awesome it would be to be under my covers by 10:00pm.

So how's about we keep this short and sweet, shall we?

I hate to brag but it was another stellar day of "my time of the month" (note: not sarcasm) and I did all the relaxing things I needed to in order to capitalize on it.

The weather was disappointing. Colder and blustery, spitting rain, teaser sunshine. Colder tomorrow and not much warmer temperatures forecasted for the next week. That's certainly not how I'd prefer spring to be like but alas, it is what it is.

(I tend to let the weather influence my mood. Today's weather would've usually coincided with a sour puss outlook, but now I'm trying this thing where I don't let stuff like the weather significantly ruin my day. It's working.)

The food I ate was delicious (DUH) and I enjoyed my evening walk, even though it was cold and raw and started to rain on me near the end. What made it more bearable was the first ever episode of the Nom Nom Paleo podcast that I was listening to. It was thoroughly enjoyable and I look forward to next week's new episode. (Side note: I like their philosophy on Paleo eating. I can get on board with that.)

Now, as much as I'd enjoy chronicling every little detail of my day to you, my eyelids are heavy and I may start to fall asleep on the keyboard.

You'll know if that happens because all you'll see is probably:

lkjghjljlhljhadajkdhjhhnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

This blog post hasn't been anything special, but then again, a full nine hours of sleep is totally worth it. Don't be offended, sleep ranks pretty hight on my list. Higher than staying up until midnight trying to write a witty blog entry, anyway.

So with that, I say "Buona notte, e sogni d'oro."

day 21: is this real life?

I'm about to get personal with you right now so--be warned.

There's something I'm so excited about that I need to shout it from the proverbial rooftops (i.e. the internet). I don't care if it's taboo or whatever, or that most of you are going to be, "Ewww, TMI." This is something that is so earth-shatteringly awesome, it can't go unshared.

Oh my gosh, I'm so psyched that I don't even know how to begin!

You guys, I started my period yesterday and I had absolutely no PMS symptoms. And what's more--yesterday and today (the first two days of my cycle, and usually the most difficult) were not that bad. Bearable. More than bearable. Pleasant, even.

Did I mention this was earth-shattering?

Typical happenings leading up to lady times for me include the usual awesomeness (read: sarcasm) like bloating, constipation, headaches, moodiness (including being so volatile emotionally that almost anything could make me to start crying at the drop of a hat), soreness, exhaustion, general malaise, and of course the intense, insatiable desire to eat all the things.

And the actual fun hasn't even begun yet. Once the main event is officially underway, it's all about the cramps. Cramps so persistent that if I don't have a constant stream of NSAIDs going into my body, I'm knocked on my ass. And it has to be ibuprofen, too, which I've always thought was weird. Acetaminophen simply doesn't work. It's always a super big hassle because you're suppose to take it every four hours. But around about hour three, it would stop working and the cramps would come back. So then not only did I have to wait to take more, but then I had to wait for it to kick in again. Then invariably a couple hours later, they would be back. My liver probably wasn't too thrilled with me on those days.

But no more!

Last night when I started to feel a tiny little twinge of cramping (the first physical evidence that anything was actually happening, other than the obvious bleeding, of course), I immediately went to my first feel-better stand-by: a walk. Then I super-setted that with a lavendar Epsom salt bubble bath, cup of tea, bedtime reading and I was like, "What cramps?" There were times this morning that I feared the cramps were going to escalate into a problem but I stayed hydrated, focused on moving, and before I knew it, the mild cramps were a fleeting memory.

The other huge difference (and I mean HUGE) is that my mood has been virtually unaffected. In the past, I have no doubts that I contributed to the cliched crazed, emotional, bitchy stereotype of a woman on her period (This comes to mind.). And it was downright miserable. For me and for those around me (my boyfriend can attest).

I can see now that hormonal and blood sugar imbalances, as well as a seriously dysfunctional attitude towards food, were significantly perpetuating that misery.

This time around I have been an objective participator in the physiological and anatomical wonder that is menstruation. Seriously. This is the most chill period I have ever had.

It's something quite amazing and wonderful to experience when you can recognize it for what it is rather than having it wreak havoc on all aspects of your life from anywhere between four days and two weeks at a time. I mean, today I was a little more tired than usually, I felt weaker, and was somewhat less motivated in general--all of which I can easily attribute to a physiological process or the lack of a specific nutrient. I knew this all before, but was usually so overwhelmed by wallowing in my own self-loathing that I couldn't see it for what it really was--just the shedding of my uterine lining, no big deal.

They say the Whole30 will change your life. For me, this improvement alone is enough to keep me living the Whole30 lifestyle the rest of my days (yeah, it was that bad before). And I have every reason to believe that it's going to get even better with every subsequent cycle.

You probably won't ever hear me say that I'm looking forward to my period (because it's still a messy, stinky, gross thing, let's face it). But hey! At least I can rest assured know that I'm not going to be thrown off my rails on the regular anymore. Consequently, I will no longer be able to use it as an excuse for being lame.

Oh no, what ever shall I do now?

(I'll give you hint: the answer is to "Be awesome".)

day 20: breaking up with bananas

It's not you, it's me. I've changed. I just don't need you anymore. You're too immature. I'm looking for something more serious.

I've been cheating on you with plantains.

We can still be friends. I might occasionally text you when I'm drunk. But don't hold out for me or anything.

Because it's getting pretty serious with the plantains.

For real though.

I used to eat a banana every single day. It was part of my morning smoothie routine. But something I read in It Starts With Food about the particularly high sugar content in bananas made me hesitant. I recognized how I go weak in the knees for a banana smothered in almond butter so I knew if I indulged in that during my Whole30, I would just be feeding my Sugar Dragon.

I've been going pretty light on the fruit in general. That's partially intentional and partially a consequence of making sure I get enough good meat and lots of veggies on my plate that when it's all said and done, there just isn't room for fruit. When I do partake, I try to stick to the recommended ones, like berries and grapefruit. And so far--knock on wood--the fruit I have eaten hasn't seemed to trigger any unwieldy cravings.

It doesn't help that spring is here, and soon more and more yummy fruits will be in season. I picked up a cantaloupe on sale at Wegmans a few days ago. It's currently still in the fridge, untouched. To be completely honest, I'm a little afraid to cut it up because I'm not entirely sure that I'll be able to stop myself from eating too much at once (I really like melon).

That's the thing about my Sugar Dragon and fruit. It may be completely healthy and a super great alternative to cheesecake, but psychologically it's filling the same void. I'm still fine tuning where the line is for me between eating fruit to satisfying a craving for something sweet, and simply enjoying fruit because I can.

So I've made the choice to dump bananas. Plantains fried in ghee satisfy me so much better anyhow (Sorry, bananas).

Plantains are more exotic, too, which is nice when you want to show off your beau. And they're bigger. But you know what they say...

Size doesn't matter, sweetness does.

And when it comes to sugar content, less is always more.

day 19: blood of the tiger

It's difficult for me to tell if my body actually looks better, or if I just think it looks better because my mood and general outlook--and therefore, perception of myself--is better.

It's probably a little bit of both.

I definitely feel like I've de-puffed, if that makes sense. My muscles look more defined, despite working out less frequently and with less intensity. Who knew systemic inflammation was blurring the lines on what I had worked so hard to define? I don't think my general body composition has changed that much, but it's like I was in soft-focus before and now clean-cut details are coming into view. I don't know, maybe it's all the core stabilization exercises I've been doing in physical therapy, but everything feels tighter.

Also, things are just better. Today was one of the most productive days I've had in a long time. But it was simultaneously one of the most relaxing, enjoyable days as well. Getting stuff done is usually hectic and high stress for me--especially initiating it. I do feel better when I get to cross things off my list though. Today was a completely different sensation. There was no stress associated with any of my activities. I was simply going about my day, being awesome.

I think this is what they call "Tiger Blood". According to the typical timeline provided on the Whole30 website, Tiger Blood usually shows up after the halfway point and feels like "someone flipped a switch and turned on the awesome." They say for some, Tiger Blood means "your energy is steadier, you’ve got a firmer handle on the cravings, and you’re experimenting with new, delicious foods. You may notice that your ability to focus is keener, your body composition is changing, your moods are more stable, you’re stepping up your exercise, or you’re just plain happier these days."

All of these things are true for me.

This is a rare instance when I don't really mind being considered "typical". Because it truly is awesome.

I'm not surprised at all. I read the literature, I know people who've done this before, I knew I was going to feel awesome--and the nice thing is, knowing it was coming didn't dampen the feeling one bit.

(Fast forward to reintroduction time and it's going to be even more difficult to say goodbye to this awesome feeling, even if it is only for a few days while I figure out my level of sensitivity to stuff.)

On a somewhat related note, I'm guessing the term "Tiger Blood" is referencing the use of tiger parts in traditional Chinese medicine--with blood being used to strengthen constitution and build willpower. Very apropos for the Whole30--though I do not condone the poaching and selling of these animals and parts on the black market to support this practice. But that is another issue entirely.

For now, I'll strive to stay excellent--with tiger blood coursing through my veins.

day 18: bicyclists and motorists, a rant

When I can I commute by bike, but I also own a car so I'm allowed to say this to drivers: You suck.

You think you're being nice by giving me a wide berth as you pass, but really what you're doing is putting yourself--and me!--in a lot of danger. I don't care how courteous you think you're being, don't blame me when you die in a head-on collision because you crossed over the center line to get around me going over a hill or on a sharp turn. Take a breath and wait to pass safely, just like you would any other vehicle you're too impatient to drive behind on a country road.

Also, newsflash! I'm going faster than you think because when you speed up to pass me only to slam on your breaks to turn into the Dunkin' Donuts just ahead, I also have to lean on my breaks to prevent myself from ramming into your passenger side door. Again, be patient. God forbid you drive 5mph slower for a block and half before reaching your destination.

Next--hand signals. Learn them! Left arm outstretched--that's a left turn (DUH). Left arm cocked up at 90 degrees--that's a RIGHT turn (no really, it is). Left arm cocked down at 90 degrees--that's stopping. NOW YOU KNOW. No excuses. And no, the signal with a fist and one particular finger raised is NOT an appropriate way for vehicle operators to communicate their intentions.

And the things you say--or yell, rather--out of your car windows at me. Equal parts offensive, ignorant, and downright mean. What do think this is accomplishing? I hope you feel so superior now and your friends all had a good laugh. I'm sure when you get home, your daddy will finally tell you how proud he is of you.

In particular, telling me to "get on the sidewalk where I belong" is especially ineffective because last time I checked, the sideWALK was for PEDESTRIANS (It's not called a sideride, now is it?), or did you not see the pretty yellow sign with the picture of a bicycle that says "Share the Road"? Perhaps you missed the lessons on sharing and learning to read back when you were in kindergarten.

The thing is, the weather is only going to get nicer and you're going to be seeing a lot more of me and my fellow cyclists out and about. SO GET YOURSELF TOGETHER and get used to it.

And speaking of my fellow cyclists--you are not exempt from judgement!

For the love of whatever you hold dear, follow the rules of the road. There is no special code for people riding bicycles that allows them to ride through stop signs. This is not surprising news. I know you know this. Take freaking responsibility. You are the reason all of the above jerks treated me like crap today.

I can't single-handedly gain respect back for the cycling community by riding safely and responsibly. I can single-handedly flip everyone the bird as I blaze by all the cars stuck in downtown rush hour traffic.

(But I won't. Unless you deserve it.)

End rant.

day 17: the s word

Let's talk about sex, baby.

Sex With Your Pants On--that is.

The creators of the Whole30 coined this little phrase "Sex With Your Pants On" in reference to the practice of trying to recreate comfort foods with compliant ingredients. For example, pancakes made with sweet potatoes, eggs, and coconut flour, or ice cream made from blending up frozen bananas. All of the indulgence, none of the guilt, right? Right?!

Yes, the components of these sex-with-your-pants-on foods are technically Whole30-compliant but in It Starts With Food we are encouraged to think realistically about why we're driven to make these "comfort" foods in the first place. It's probably because we're trying to satisfy a craving, isn't it?

So even if the "treat" we make contains ingredients that may not bother our intestines or stimulate generalized inflammation, we are doing nothing to improve our hormonal response or psychological relationship with food. Also, the sugar dragon doesn't know that homemade Larabar technically follows all the rules. All he knows is that he wanted a sweet snack, and you gave it to him (Your sugar dragon could also be female--it totally depends. Personally, my sugar dragon hasn't shown enough of itself yet for me to really get a sense of its personality--HOWEVER--I'm coming up on PMS times so I'm sure there will be more on that soon.)

ANYWAY.

Those following the Whole30 protocol are given the charge to not have sex with their pants on with food--figuratively speaking, of course--which means a lot of common food "groups" are completely off the table.

This is where I think the Whole30 way of life deviates sharply from the Paleo diet. Now, I have not done any reading about Paleo and only really know what I can glean from social media and pop culture--which is nothing accurate, I'm sure--so I will refrain from passing any judgement on the Paleo diet at this time.

I will say this: Whole30 and Paleo are not the same thing.

Like I said, I don't know exactly what the "guidelines" for Paleo are, which is why I hesitate to say that anything I eat is Paleo. I have a sneaking suspicion it is a square/rectangle situation--where everything Whole30 could be considered Paleo, but everything considered Paleo is not necessarily Whole30. You know what I mean? (And please correct me if I'm wrong.)

I follow a lot of Paleo food-bloggers on Instagram and my feed is constantly bombarded with the most delectable, indulgent, mouth-watering, cavity-inducing foods that could easily rival work from the Paula Deens of this world. Kudos to those people for achieving the right texture, taste, and consistency everyone knows from the "real" thing using ingredients that you have to take out a small loan to afford at the natural foods store. Please pardon my inability to see what is "primal" about any of the recipes in a cookbook entitled My Paleo Patisserie.

I understand that people have food allergies and sensitivities that they are trying to cope with using some of these ingredients, but for the purposes and goals of the Whole30 most of that just doesn't make sense to me.

If I had trouble putting the breaks on eating an entire pint of Ben & Jerry's in one sitting, replacing that with a pint of "paleo" coconut milk ice cream changes nothing. I'm still going to feel guilty and ashamed afterwards, and in the end it's probably still going to upset my stomach.

The Whole30 mantra of "No slips. No cheats. No excuses." may seem prude and stern--even tyrannical--but I see why it is necessary to achieve a complete hormonal reset. Even if my intentions are pure, sex-with-my-pants-on foods are a slippery slope. And being only a little over halfway through my first 30 days, I can't in good conscience tell myself that I've had nearly enough time to tame my sugar dragon to the point where I could give into temptation and not spiral into a "life of sin", as they say.

So even though a sweet potato pancake brunch sounds amazingly sexy, I will remain celibate for now. It's for my own good.

day 16: fat makes you phat

Yesterday I had my usual spaghetti squash and meaty marinara sauce lunch with some blackberries and pineapple. It was delicious (as always), but I was hungry at 4:00pm.

I have this problem where I still "get hungry" in the late afternoon. I'm usually pretty good in the morning, never growling for lunch until around noon. I eat breakfast between 6:30 and 7:00am every morning so that's a solid five and a half hours when I rarely give food a second thought (this is phenomenal, by the way, I love not needing to snack all the time).

But more often than not that late afternoon "tea time" rolls around and I feel peckish. In an effort not to snack, I instead end up eating a relatively early dinner, then I'm fighting off the urge to have a late evening something because I "get hungry" again before bed.

I wondered, if I can make it six hours after breakfast, why can't I after lunch?

The simple answer is: fat.

So today just for kicks I plopped a big spoonful of ghee on my pre-made spaghetti squash lunch before packing it in my lunchbox. I included pineapple and berries again for continuity and went on my merry way.

Lunchtime came and I sat outside in the sun and enjoyed my food. The type and volume of food was basically the same as yesterday (still super yummy), but the satiety level was way up because of the extra ghee. I also made a point of eating the fruit mid-meal instead of eating it last.

I bet you want to know if I was hungry at 4:00pm today.

The simple answer to this is: No, I wasn't--and that's even despite having exercised and expended more energy today than yesterday.

What does this mean for me?

EAT MORE FAT*.

It takes constant reinforcement because I'm still a little brainwashed to fear fat, but it really makes all the difference between being fully-satisfied by a meal and wanting to graze a couple hours later. I mean, which would you rather rationalize calorie-wise (if you're thinking in terms of calories, which I never do anymore either--also awesome): maybe a couple hundred calories in fat added in the form of something delicious like ghee, avocado, olive oil, egg yolks, coconut oil, etc. or probably several hundred calories in spontaneous, most-likely processed convenience food-like snacks to "tied you over" until the next real meal?

I'd rather have the fat. Hands down. Especially since I'm cooking my meal and I can be really deliberate and purposeful about what and how much I'm using.

*It's necessary to clarify that there is a spectrum on which we lie when it comes to appropriate fat consumption. Your current physical state (i.e. body fat vs. lean mass percentages), your daily level of activity, hormonal balance, etc. will all influence where you are on that spectrum.

I believe I am becoming what It Starts With Food refers to as "fat-adapted", meaning my hormones are in the right proportions to begin burning my fat stores for sustained low-level energy rather than needing a constant influx of glucose from my diet (i.e. snacking).

This doesn't happen overnight. In fact, I have no idea how long it truly takes (it may be much longer than 30 days). But I get the sense it's starting to happen to me. By eating well-balanced meals that include the appropriate amount of healthy fats, I'm training my body to use that to get through the day. So instead of overwhelming my system with glucose that may ultimately get stored as fat (thanks, wonky hormones)--by eating fat, I'm actually burning fat!

Mind = blown.

So far, my psychology is still trying to sabotage that nice plan to burn fat by demanding a sweet snack when I don't really need it. The sugar dragon doesn't let go easily. But feeding it fat rather than sugar shuts it up temporarily.

So you can bet I'm going to keep being liberal with ghee in the skillet at all times. I will not hesitate to put avocado on anything and everything (let's be real--is there any food that isn't improved by avocado?). Coconut milk, coconut oil, cashews, almonds, oh my! And bacon! All the bacon.

The possibilities are endless and delicious. Here's to letting go of my fat fears and falling in love with fat freedom.

day 15: better than before

Today was one of those days when I needed to take a step back and assess.

Things seem to be going really well. Overall, I feel so much better. Not just my digestive health because of the good food, but my whole body feels good. My physical therapy is progressing nicely and every day I feel closer to getting back to the fitness level I was before all my sacro-iliac stuff went downhill.

Except I don't want to go back to that. Not anymore.

For almost two months I have felt like a shell of my former self, unable to do any of the physical activities that I loved and thought defined so much of who I was. I was frustrated and depressed because I felt like an inferior person. And it was constantly disconcerting because I wasn't sure if I'd ever get back to "normal".

Recently I decided, this is my new normal.

At first, it felt like defeat, like I was back at square one. But I've been reminding myself (very often, as often as possible), that I'm not back at square one--I may be at square two or three in some areas but I'm definitely not back at square one. In fact, if we're really making comparisons (which I'm trying my best not to do in general), I'm actually ahead of where I was because I've learned some stuff about myself and about balance that I believe will better me in the long run--

And prevent me from ending up where I was two months ago:

Over-worked, over-stressed, over-trained, sleep-deprived, under-nourished (more like--inappropriately-nourished), bottled-up emotionally, and unbalanced in pretty much every way I can think of.

Why would I want to achieve that "normal" again?

I'm still a weightlifter, a derby girl, a runner, a yogi, a bicyclist, skiier, hiker, etc. etc.--I'm still all the those things. But I'm also someone who makes sacrifices in exchange for good sleep, good nutrition, and proper recovery. I'm someone who takes baths regularly, who stretches daily, who is constantly aware of their posture.

Old me cheated myself out of lot of good things and ultimately paid for it. Knowing what I know now, I want to be better than I was before and more conscious of the demands I place on myself. I'm extremely cautious to jump right back into all my activities for fear of falling into old habits along with them.

So I may not be throwing up crazy heavy weights at gym or skating hard in scrimmages (or at all)--YET--but when I do, I will be stronger, more stable, more aware, and more sustainable as an athlete and all-around active member of society than two-months-ago-me could ever dream of being.

It has taken a while to get to this point. And some days I still get frustrated because I wish I could do more right now. But this is what I can do today.

And tomorrow, I'll be listening for my body to tell me what I can do next.

day 14: outta bed ya sleepyhead

When my alarm went off this morning, I jolted up in bed. Usually, the sound fades in from out of the fog in my mind and I suddenly realize it's getting louder and louder before reaching to turn it off.

But it startled me this morning.

I was startled because after laying my head on the pillow some eight hours before, I did not stir--that I was conscious of--until BOOM! it was morning.

This is a big deal.

Before last night, I could honestly say that I didn't remember the last time I slept soundly through the night. 

Let me say that again. In my known memory--meaning all of my 20s, college, high school, basically back to middle school--I don't really remember ever sleeping that soundly. I've always classified myself as a "light sleeper": easily roused by noises, another person rolling over in the bed, or my own need to go to the bathroom.

In recent years, caffeine consumption has probably played a pretty big role. I liked to tell myself that it wasn't affecting me that much since I never really had trouble falling asleep initially at night. Even knowing the half-life of caffeine being about six hours didn't stop me from drinking some caffeinated-beverages as late in the evening as eight or nine some nights. Who did I think I was kidding? Of course that is going to affect my sleep!

So the caffeine was my fault. My bad. Now it's out of my system. 

As far as I can tell, I don't NEED it. My energy levels are fine without it--better even. I do like the taste of coffee (I'm such an adult) so I may have it occasionally in the future (but only first thing in the morning). Anyway, I'm head over heels obsessed with this certain brand of rooibos tea that rocks my world literally every day and there's no shame in making that my new go-to hot beverage (sorry I'm not sorry, Starbucks).

So I've tackled the caffeine problem. The next thing I would point to as sabotaging my sleep is anxiety.

That's a work in progress--but as I've alluded to multiple times already in this journey--nutrition is linked with a lot of factors, and everything together seems to be improving my overall state of well-being, including soothing some of my anxieties. So in general, I'm not so much directly addressing my anxiety issues as they relate to sleep, but I am noticing indirectly how other things in my life (vis-a-vis addressing nutrition, being active, interacting socially, and consequently, sleeping better) are affecting my anxiety levels. 

But more on nutrition (of course, right?). When it comes to sleeping well, I've never really considered that what I was eating was a big factor. I mean, I guess I'd heard that you shouldn't eat right before bed because then your GI system is actively trying to digest while you're sleeping and that can be disruptive. But the hormonal things happening when I'm asleep--and how my food affected those hormones--was completely off my radar.

No more! Consider me a believer. I don't care if it's just the caffeine-free life, just the good food, or a necessary combination of both, I'm on board.

I'm excited to get ready for bed just so I can sleep so well again and wake up even more refreshed and rearing to go tomorrow.

But beware--too many of these nights of sound sleep in a row and I may become unstoppable.

day 13: ode to the sweet potato

Oh you!

Oh queen of the tuberous roots,
Mother of the morning glories.

What joy!

Out of the dirt springs sweetness,
Glowing of orange and red and brown and gold.

And for me!

You grace the garden then the table,
In every incarnation, you dazzle.

What more?

What more could one ask for,
Then to persistently partake in your pleasure.

Oh you, oh joy!

Dazzle once again,
And I will never tire of you.

day 12: see you later, seasonal affective disorder!

We're getting into the time of year when it's going to become really difficult for me to get stuff done because I just want to be outside all the time.

Today was the warmest, sunniest day we've had yet this spring and it looks like it's going to be even warmer tomorrow. In fact, the forecast looks optimistically pleasant for the next 10 days (it's not even supposed to get below freezing at night--fingers crossed). Although--and please don't get angry with me for saying this--I would not put it past upstate New York to dump snow on us at least once again before summer. But let's not think about that, let's focus on today.

And what a beautiful day it was!

I tried to make the most of it: eating my lunch out on my little patio (my shins may be sunburnt tomorrow), driving with the windows down (and the radio way up), and taking a long evening walk (listening to old episodes of "This American Life"). I would have liked to study outside as well, but my back doesn't like slumping over notes on the ground and I don't have a table or anything that I can sit up at and spread out like I can at my desk. Plus, in the gorgeous bright sun it's nearly impossible to read screens and unfortunately, most of my work is computer-based (boo hiss).

So I compromised by opening all the windows and all the blinds so at least I could feel the sun and the breeze while I studied the afternoon away.

Unfortunately, I don't have that luxury Monday through Friday when I'm basically indoors from 8:00am to 5:00pm. I'm lucky that the tutor room in which I spend 2-3 hours a day has a window, lest I go completely mad.

These observations are very telling when it comes to choosing a specialty pathway within veterinary medicine. It's still way too early to know what kind of work I want to do as a vet, but something tells me it's not going to be general practice. I'll know more definitively after my internship this summer but field research sounds awfully inviting.

Ah, but I can't get into that now because I'm almost finished with my deliciously spicy post-dinner cup of rooibos tea, my eyelids are getting heavier by the minute, and I have a date with my pillow and comforter that is fast approaching.

Tonight I'll fall asleep reminding myself to put on SPF tomorrow (gasp!), and already looking forward to feeling the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair.

Bring it, Monday.

day 11: (don't) let them eat cake

I don't even really like cake.

In the battle between pie and cake, I am most definitely a pie girl. And even when it comes to pie, I'd prefer a cobbler, with a crumble topping. I was never really a connoisseur of crust. The fad diet world's aversion to carbs and wheat has brainwashed me in that way.

That's why flourless chocolate cake is popping up on dessert menus in trendy restaurants everywhere. I have no qualms with this. I mean, I've made flourless chocolate cake multiple times and it's literally just four ingredients: dark chocolate, eggs, butter, and sugar. Who can't get on board with that?

But why am I going on about cake, you ask?

Because I've been overcome with the desire to murder some all day. (And by murder, I mean shove handfuls of it into my mouth repeatedly.)

At this point, it's a really non-specific craving. Something--anything--sweet, particularly chocolate-y, rich, creamy, I don't know, almond butter might be involved. I eat a perfectly lovely meal and then for no other reason than it's after the meal, I need to finish it off with something sweet. I'm not even hungry for more food, it just doesn't "feel" like a complete meal unless I've concluded it with "dessert", whether it's cake, pie, ice cream, or a piece of fruit.

And THAT, my friends, is what they call an unhealthy psychological relationship with food.

I have to say, I'm somewhat surprised that it has taken eleven days for my sugar dragon to rear its ugly head. Perhaps it's because I had a relatively lazy day (Saturdays are usually my days to decompress from a long week of school before firing up the engines again on Sunday to prep for the next week). Considering my mind wasn't occupied with class, schoolwork, errands, etc. it was wide open to thoughts of the things I'm not eating.

It's not like I can't handle those thoughts. One of the nice things about the pre-Whole30 process is removing all non-compliant foods from the house. So even if I wanted to go off-script and binge on chocolate cake, I couldn't--I don't have the ingredients. And I wouldn't because it would screw up the experiment. I find it fascinating to sit here with my body/mind saying it wants something ridiculous and recognizing that I don't have to listen. In fact, I'm doing myself a favor by not listening.

I know that if I were to satisfy my sweet tooth craving, I wouldn't feel any better--I would actually feel worse because on top of the emotional/stress/no reason-induced craving I would also have guilt. And guilt is something I never want to associate with food again.

There is this random fact I came across several years ago when I was first getting into farming and reading lots of stuff by Michael Pollan. It was a little blurb about a word association study where a group of Americans and French were each shown a picture of birthday cake and asked to provide the first word that came to mind. For the Americans, the most common answer was "guilt". For the French, the most common answer was "celebration".

That alone speaks volumes about our relationship with food collectively as a society. And I am part of the problem.

However, not for much longer. It may take more than thirty days. It may suck. A lot. But it's time for my sugar dragon to face the music.

When this is all over, I will go to that trendy restaurant and I will order that flourless chocolate cake. Not because of any kind of social convention or guilt-ridden emotional dependance on dessert, but because it's special and I will enjoy and savor every bite--whether it's one, two, or the whole dang pan.

day 10: haiku

Ten out of thirty.
I could write a nice blog post,
But I choose a bath.

day 9: love on eight wheels

This is an open letter to roller derby:


My dearest beloved 8-wheeled sport,

You are on my mind.

I cannot begin to express with words how much my body, mind, heart and soul aches for you, so I will say it simply--I miss you.

We've been apart for a little while now and I hope you haven't forgotten me. It was never my intention to have to stay away so long. Please understand that I'm doing the best I can to get back to you. I've had some time to think and, while I am intimidated by our reunion, my desire to have you in my life is reaffirmed.

There is nothing that gets me fired up more than watching my teammates play you, but it also breaks my heart. I'm afraid I have let them down, before the season has even begun. They are the most powerful, extraordinary, uniquely wonderful group of women I have ever had the privilege of being a part of. I want to feel I deserve to be a part of that again. I'm getting there--I'm working my way back to you, a little at a time.

Please be patient with me as I resist the urge to return to you too soon, and know that this is not time wasted. I am getting stronger every day and soon I will be worthy of lining up on that track again.

Not as soon as I would like, but that is the price I pay for stretching myself so thin.

In the meantime, I am trying to do my part--gaining strength and stability--so that when I finally lace up my skates with you again, I will be ready.

Thank you for always being there, even when I'm too weak or ignorant and oblivious to see you.

You're perfect, don't ever stop being you.


Affectionately yours,

Albatross

day 8: a clean slate

Today I did a workout with 5lb. dumbbells and I felt like a complete noob.

In physical therapy, I've progressed from just doing back extension stretches to now adding some specific core stabilization exercises. I've also gotten the go-ahead to start returning to the gym to work up my range of motion in some of the the strength lifts (front squats, strict presses, etc) at very light weight, basically the empty bar. No pulls, rows, nothing from the hang. And no olympic movements. Yet.

You'd think I would be over the moon about this move forward. But I picked up those 5-pounders and couldn't help thinking to myself, "You look ridiculous. You could be doing so much more."

I was embarrassed. I am embarrassed.

I want so badly to be back in the condition I was prior to my back spasm. However, I remind myself that my life wasn't properly balanced then--I mean, I ended up here, in physical therapy, unable to do any of the physically active things I love. If I went back to what I was, wouldn't I just end up here again?

Then I am overcome with fear. What if I'm never able to do those things again?

This is a debilitating train of thought and I'm currently undergoing an attitude adjustment of sorts. I'm aware of the level of fitness I was in a couple of months ago, but I'm trying to not let that color what my motivations and goals are now. Of course, I'd love to return to that strength and skill level, but with different priorities. Now I have balance and injury prevention at the forefront of my mind. I've always been technique-focused but now I want to be even more so. I will never do another lift without thinking about what my back and core is doing. This is my opportunity to go back to the basics, and truly build a solid foundation.

In order to progress from feeling like a dweeb with 5lb. dumbbells, I have to forget the lifter I used to be and treat this like the beginning. I can no longer compare my current self to my previous self, it will only result in frustration, anxiety, and feelings of inferiority.

I also cannot rely on my youthful, agile body to pick up the slack when I am not as vigilant about stretching, recovery, and getting adequate rest. It's critical for me to recognize when I should lay back on the exercise intensity because other responsibilities are piling up. I can only stress my body so much, whether it's physical, emotional, or mental. It all adds up.

And I don't want it to add up to a back spasm again.

So if that means doing squats, presses and lunges with 5lb. weights, I'll take it. It's more than I was doing last week, and not as much as I'll be doing next week.

day 7: insight for days

Now is the time when I should probably say something insightful about how I've completed a full week of my Whole30 thus far, but I can't stop thinking about a post that came up on my Facebook feed today from the folks over at Whole9 (I highly recommend reading it).

Whole9 is the parent organization that birthed It Starts With Food and the Whole30 program. While the "30" in Whole30 refers to an amount of time, the "9" in Whole9 refers to nine factors that the founders believe to be critical for leading an optimally healthy and balanced life. Those 9 factors are: nutrition, sleep, healthy movement, stress management, fun and play, personal growth, socialization, natural environment, and temperance.

I don't know about you, but I'm constantly trying to make improvements related to all of these factors in my own life. And I find it strange and fascinating that addressing just one of them head on (nutrition) has indirectly facilitated progress in some of the other areas (Gee, I wonder why it's listed first?). Actually--when I think about it--since my journey with this began (before even starting the Whole30 program, back when I was just reading the book and researching it), I've made progress in regards to all of these factors in one way or another.

I'm more aware of my sleep and am implementing measures to improve it (e.g. cutting out caffeine, using a white noise machine, aiming for a consistent sleep and wake cycle). It may be too soon to tell what the effects of these measures are because I'm adjusting to a lot of other things as well, but I'm optimistic. Even with just the white noise machine, I haven't been woken up in the middle of the night because of my neighbors. And THAT alone is cause for celebration.

Healthy movement is a sensitive subject for me right now. I'm still recovering from some lower back issues that put me at a complete stand still a little over a month ago. I went from being someone who ran three to four times a week and lifted weights three to four times a week to someone who is happy to get out for a nice leisurely walk a few times a week. I'm beginning to realize that "healthy movement" can mean something very different than the intense training I participated in before, and that's okay. This is a concept that is new and strange to me, but I'm adjusting and letting go and moving forward a little more every day.

Stress management is THE struggle of the century for me. Although, I already addressed how the Whole30 rules lessen that overall stress level a little in one of my earlier posts, and that remains true. I also recognize that there is a lot of interconnectedness going on between these factors because I'm becoming aware of how much easier it is to handle my stresses when I've eaten well, gotten enough sleep, been able to move, laugh, socialize, be outside, etc etc. I have to be careful that trying to achieve all of these things in the time I have each day doesn't become a stressor on its own, but one thing at a time.

I'm lucky because for me, fun and play is wrapped up nicely with other factors--mainly healthy movement and natural environment. And the warmer it gets outside, the more I have to look forward to in that department!

Personal growth is happening. It's happening right before your eyes, do you see it?

Socialization is happening too. I'm still the most god-awfully socially awkward person in the world at times, but occasionally I make people laugh and that is pretty great. It's nice to laugh with friends. In a way, this blog is forcing socialization on me. People read it and want to know more. I'm slightly taken aback by that, but what did I expect? I'm pleasantly surprised by how it feels to be this far outside of my comfort zone.

Natural environment is a huge aspect of life of which I crave more, always. I spend way too many hours a day indoors, sitting. I long for the mountains, the ocean, a rushing river, a trickling stream. A tree I can climb, a crag I can scale. A winding country road with rolling hills to ride over. These things I need. These things I will have, soon.

The last factor mentioned is temperance. When I think of temperance, I think of moderation. And the "everything in moderation" trope doesn't adequately some it up. Although in general, I do believe that moderation is key in all parts of life. But practicing moderation is only part it. You have to know why you're being moderate. There's an awareness of both ends of the spectrum that goes along with temperance. It's knowing the black and the white and purposefully choosing the shade of grey that works for you.

So this is where I am one week in. Now on to week two.

day 6: eat the delicious thing

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I'm sure I'm a food blogger. But not in this one.

I really like taking pictures of my food and sharing them, but you guys, it's hard! The lighting is never good! And half the time what I'm eating is just a jumble on my plate anyway, and then I'm licking the plate clean before I can process the thought of photographing it (although I'm sure somewhere out there in the vast interwebs someone has developed a niche for empty dish photos).

Then if I do manage to make my plate of food look aesthetically pleasing with my subpar cell phone camera--and it is well-received--people want to know what recipe I used.

This is where I fall very short.

I'll be frank with you: I could tell you my "recipes" but you would get bored really quickly because it would start to sound like the same thing over and over.

Put raw delicious thing in hot skillet with ghee. Season delicious thing with sea salt and black pepper (and garlic, let's be honest). Cook delicious thing completely. Put delicious thing on plate. Eat delicious thing.

If I vary from that formula, it's usually not much--and if it is, I sure as heck don't have a plan or measurements. Whether it's eggs, any type of vegetable, or good-quality meats and seafood, it's the thing itself that is the most delicious to me and so I rarely want to muck it up with lots of other ingredients.

It's just simpler that way.

Maybe it'll get boring soon, who knows. Although, I can say with confidence that I've eaten sweet potatoes practically every day for at least the last two years (possibly longer) and have yet to get tired of them. I would eat sweet potatoes at every meal if I thought it would be acceptable to do so. But luckily, there are so many other awesome vegetables our there to try that I don't have to resort to my standby at every meal. Plus, I might start to turn orange.

I like to counter that with lots of green. I know orange and green aren't technically complimentary colors but I like the way they look juxtaposed on a plate. They're also two of my favorite colors. My other favorite is purple. Basically, give my a meal of sweet potatoes, beets, and kale and I'm practically in heaven. And then put an egg on it.

ANYWAY--now that I know recipes are of interest to some people, I will make an effort to post about some meals that come out particularly well. I mean, it's only Day 6 so I'm sure I'm going to run out of things to blab about soon and will have nothing left to do except post recipes.

For now, my recipe advice is this: play to your strengths! If you know you like a certain ingredient (garlic, or curry, etc), go with it. Put things that are delicious on their own together and chances are they will be delicious together. That is super vague advice but I don't know what else to say. Cooking is something that kind of just comes with experience (trial and error requires a thick skin, or thick taste buds in this case).

There's always Google. Searching "whole30 _______" whatever dish you're curious about is a stellar place to start. Chances are there is an awesome blogger who has already made it. And they probably have their own cookbook published and take MUCH better photos than I do.

And when in doubt, put an egg on it!

day 5: table for one

I live alone so there is rarely a time when the radio isn't on in my apartment (right now it's my Chet Baker Pandora station because jazz trumpet, DUH). I think if I let it be silent while I was going about my business--cooking, doing chores, studying, etc--I would probably crack.

So naturally, when I eat meals at home, it's usually with something playing on my computer, or I'm messing with my phone, or at the very least reading a book. I'm never just eating, silently chewing my food, blankly staring off into space until I'm finished and it's time to move on to whatever is next.

Because that sounds pathetic and miserable, doesn't it?

I know I'm doing myself a disservice by mindlessly consuming my food while re-watching old seasons of Parks and Recreation on Netflix. It makes it much more difficult for my brain to distinguish between the actual meal I'm having and a random nosh fest that would be predicated by the conventional/stereotypical act of snacking for no other reason than because I'm lounging and watching TV.

This has historically been a bad habit of mine: mindless eating. Snacking for the sake of snacking. Constantly battling the "need" to be doing something while relaxing at home. And it gets worse with added stress.

Maybe it's because there is no one around to judge me for eating an entire bag of popcorn in one sitting. Or because I manage to "justify" it to myself because of how much exercise I did that day. Either way, living alone makes it more difficult for me to hold myself accountable for what I'm putting in my body and doing with my free time--which usually leads to less than optimal choices.

Enter the Whole30.

I could go back to my tree falling in the forest analogy and say that doing the Whole30 is still doing the Whole30, even if no one knows about it. But I've managed to insert myself into the Whole30 social media community just enough that now I have extrinsic motivation to follow through. Posting about my meals/good food adventures on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, this blog, etc. is not passive, and in general, I've gotten some really positive reactions (The Whole30 creators themselves even reposted one of my photos!). So even though I'd still be committed if I wasn't involved in social media, I'm less prone to renege because I know people are watching.

Some of those people are strangers, but some are people I see and interact with every day. I've spoken to and had meaningful conversations with peers since starting this journey that I would never have had otherwise. Some people are genuinely excited to hear about my progress and if I feel any different. They're playfully jealous of the yummy-looking food I have, and want to know what recipes I use.

This is an outcome I hadn't really considered much prior to beginning. I knew I'd probably have to explain myself occasionally, especially in situations where I inevitably turn down a drink or food that is offered to me. But I wasn't really expecting to have "fans" (for lack of a better term).

So even though my only companion (for now) when eating at home will be NPR, it's nice to know that my efforts don't go unnoticed. And who knows, perhaps I will recruits others and soon be hosting Whole30 dinner parties--but not at my current apartment because it is tiny and I literally own only three chairs.

day 4: dances with circadian rhythms

This is going to be brief because I can barely keep my eyes open. Maybe it is the lack of caffeine or maybe it is the daily ebb and flow of my digestive hormones (or something completely different!) but either way--I'm tired. I think I yawned three times during the process of typing just that sentence.

I don't mind it. If my body is telling me that falling asleep around 10pm is what I need to do in order to wake refreshed at 6am, I'll do it. Sleep has always been high on the priority list, and while initially falling asleep isn't usually a problem, staying asleep and sleeping restfully through the night is always an issue. I'm a light sleeper and seem to be constantly turning over and waking to certain noises or for no reason at all. Using a white noise machine has helped with some of that, but I'm interested to see if I notice a marked change in the restlessness or restfulness of my sleep as I adjust to a Whole30 life.

Adequate rejuvenating sleep is the backbone of so many other things that could potentially affect my health and appetite (e.g. stress and cortisol production), so in theory, simply getting enough rest could help prevent some of those midday or late-night "cravings", usually for something overly sweet and/or salty. I know I'm stressed enough as it is with other aspects of my life so I don't need a lack of sleep to be sending my already high cortisol levels into the stratosphere.

That is why when I'm given the option to sleep a decent amount or stay up cramming for an exam, I'm probably going to choose sleep. Even if I feel unprepared, I know my brain is going to function better for the exam the next day if it has rested.

I don't have an exam or anything specific I need to wake up for tomorrow (happy Easter!) but I can take a hint. And rather than fight it, I'm going to embrace it and melt away into dreamland knowing that I've set myself up well to get some good shut-eye. Hopefully better than what I'm used.

Although, with how well I've been hydrating the past few days, I'll probably have to get up to pee at least once in the middle of the night. AND, with my luck, I bet you I'm going to start having weird bizarre craving dreams tonight. But don't worry--if I do, you'll be the first to know.

day 2: diet is a four-letter word

"How's your diet going?"

*cringe*

I knew I would be fielding this question a lot but that doesn't make it any easier. Eventually it is going to get old saying, "It's not a diet, it's an experiment."

The concept of "dieting" has so many negative connotations. When I hear the word "diet", I immediately think of deprivation--and before you accuse me of depriving myself of all the non-compliant foods for Whole30, I challenge you to observe how much ghee (which is basically like butter except buttery-er) I consume daily and then tell me I'm deprived.

The thing about dieting is that it's inherently temporary. One diets to achieve a certain weight loss or fitness goal, that goal is accomplished, then the person presumably goes back to "normal" food consumption until the need arises to diet again. The initial Whole30 itself may be temporary, but the results I will gain from it are going to inform my choices about food going forward indefinitely, potentially for the rest of my life.

I mean, some people with autoimmune diseases (e.g. Crohn's) live the Whole30 (and if they don't, they might find some relief if they did). It's not a Whole30 for them, it's a WholeLifestyle. And some of those people have even more restrictions, like no eggs and no nightshade vegetables (tomatoes, peppers, potatoes and eggplant) ON TOP of the no grains, dairy, or legumes. Can you imagine? And that's not just so they can look good in a bikini for spring break photos, that's so they can stay alive. Don't worry, these people eat very well--I have the Instagram feed to prove it.

So yeah, if you wanted to whip out the Webster's dictionary and look up "diet", you could probably argue that the Whole30 fits the definition ("the kinds of food that a person, animal, or community habitually eats"). But let's just be clear about a few things:

This is not a trend.
This is not a fad.
This is not about weight loss.
This is an experiment.
This is based on science.
This is about health.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I must repeat: this is not about weight loss. I am someone who is at a perfectly "healthy" weight according to the standard body mass index tables (someday if you have time and are feeling chatty, ask me how I feel about the BMI system). If anything, I would say my long-term goal is to GAIN weight (in muscle, of course). Let that concept blow your mind for a second.

In the meantime, when you ask me how my "diet" is going, I will do my best to hold back the eye roll, smile politely, and say, "Well, it's not exactly a diet, it's more of an experiment. But it's going really well. Thanks for asking!"

And then go back to taking care of business.

day 1: no joke

Let me start off on a tangent by saying that today is Debbie Reynolds's birthday, and a) I love Singin' in the Rain--it might be my all time favorite musical, movie, everything--and b) did you know that Carrie Fisher is Debbie Reynolds's daughter? Because I didn't, and that just might be too much talent for one family.

Anyway.

So day one!

Don't expect any deep philosophical revelations here yet because the only thing on my mind is the caffeine withdrawal headache I've had all day. Yes, I've made the unfortunate but quite necessary choice to include caffeine on my list of "Don'ts" for this Whole30. Officially, coffee and tea and other vehicles for caffeine are perfectly acceptable in the Whole30 literature as long as what is added to them is also compliant.

HOWEVER--

The first "Good Food Standard" outlined in It Starts With Food is that we should eat things that promote a healthy psychological response.

Allow me to be the first to admit that my psychological response to caffeine is anything but healthy. Even if I wasn't sure before if I was addicted, you'd better believe I'm sure now that I can feel how my body is handling a lack of it. So as much as it is going to suck for a few days, I'm taking advantage of this system overhaul I'm doing to also release myself of my dependence on caffeine.

The silver lining is, I get to discover all these things that make me feel great that aren't caffeine-related and that also help with the headaches. For example, this evening I went for a walk. I needed to move and I needed to be outside--win, win! It was perfect actually, because I strapped on my walking shoes, bundled up a bit (spring IS coming soon, right?) and queued up the most recent "Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me". I went out when the sun was low and got back just as it was setting. It may sound contrived, but I can't think of a better way to end the day. Except with a bubble bath--which I also did! Man, I have to keep this up because it is AMAZING.

But real talk, caffeine addiction is nothing to sneeze at. I wouldn't consider myself an avid coffee drinker, although I did have a habit of sucking down green tea like it was oxygen--plus the occasional energy drink (don't get me started on the implications of the chemical shit storm that is your run-of-the-mill Monster or Red Bull or Five Hour Energy, blech!). The lesson to be learned here is, you can wax poetic all night long about how you just drink coffee because you like the taste, or how you're not dependent on caffeine to get started in the morning, or how you could give it up anytime--and maybe that's true--but if you're willing to go without, even just for a day, your body will let you know the truth.

And right now my body is saying "Hey! Usually you give me this thing that makes me feel like I'm working better, can I get some of that please? No? You mean I have to make my own energy somehow? And how do you suppose I do that, missy?"

Sunset walks and bubble baths are a pretty good start.